Insomnia

Mother’s Day this last weekend has left me feeling some feelings.  
Heavy feelings.  
Deep thoughts.  
If you’re not in the mood for some ponderous musings and reflection, move along. Im sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I’m not ALWAYS the, 100% gym rat/beast mode babe, slaying workouts and personal goals, striving for justice and equality amongst all the fitness levels and body types across the land, urging women of all ages to love themselves and promote genuine confidence all day long, chick.  
At times I have been known to be a very sensitive, and poetic Sally…and sometimes I must emote. So, turn on your Mumford and Sons Spotify station and enjoy this ride.  

There’s been LOTS going on for us, which is true for everyone it seems.  Adjusting to life as a full time working mom has been fun and thrilling, but also a huge adjustment for all of us. 
 And on Mothers Day, I found myself thinking about how rapidly my kids are growing, and how I’m running out of time to get it right for them. Knowing a thing and doing a thing are drastically different, and there’s always so much to DO.  I made the mistake of looking at their baby pictures and it sliced me open with nowhere to hide but here, in my words and sentences that always seem to somehow bring healing. 

Tonight, I find myself alone in my house with a soundly sleeping hubby, kids, and lazy dog. The washing machine is working away on dirty towels. No tv or music. Just an open window in my bedroom as I stare into the glow of my phone and type to clear my busy mind.  

This is one of my favorite times of year…when I can crack a window open at night and hear the sound of all the frogs by the little pond, way out beyond the houses in my neighborhood. I look forward to hearing them, as a reminder that warmer weather is on its way here again.  
I feel peaceful now, and weirdly emotional because I know that I haven’t sat down alone to write in so long, that I’m actually afraid of what might come through.  I had a friend at the gym ask me why I haven’t done a blog post in awhile, and I had to really think about it?  My life is FULL, and I have no complaints, but sometimes little crap builds up and makes your heart heavy. And when the mood strikes me to write it out, I’ve learned to surrender to it because telling the truth always sets you free.  

So here it is.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  
How your whole life is just traveling from the most current cluster of people in a moment in time to the next.  

Family, friends and acquaintances. Weaving in and out, overlapping. Mingling and vanishing. Reunited, reminiscing, disappearing. Sometimes reappearing…sometimes forgotten completely. People leaving impressions, memories and scars. Influencing and cautioning. Defending and betraying. Trust and disbelief. Loving and hating. Leaving and staying. Messy. Complicated. Devastated. Loyal. Devoted. Powerful.  

Relationships are everything.  

Lately, I have seen close friendships all around me, whom were thought to be foundational, split and fracture over technicalities. I’m so disappointed in the way we all proclaim to love, but when it’s tested we freeze up, and break off.  

Cold, iced conversations and miscommunications in rooms and across tables, where life was once shared together. But continue to pretend to be friends online? Why? 

Hardened.

Winter.

Lately, I have watched siblings step into being adults and pull away to build their own lives and stories that don’t include me. It’s selfish I know. Bittersweet, to watch something grow on its own that doesn’t require any pruning or help from you anymore. Little shoots of life and strength sprouting up, and thriving in the sunshine…NEED ROOM to grow. 

So I’m learning to let go. 

Spring.

Lately, I have been surprised and energized by the new relationships in my life. New people everywhere! New job, new surroundings, new routines, new jokes, new perspectives, new goals, new encouragement. New experiences. Fresh chances. Fresh opinions. Fresh AIR. Giving me opportunities, life and HOPE.  

It’s been amazing and I want it to stay this way forever. 

Summer.

Lately, I have been anchored by what HOME really means. My children, showered and jammied will sometimes still let me smell them and kiss them in exchange for a few more minutes before bed. They are growing into real people, but for these little moments they are still my littles…wrapped in blankets. My husband, the only person to VOW to stay by my side, and he has. He is faithful. He is constant. Cozy and comforting. Safe and warm. My one true love. My fruitful harvest. 

Fall.

And if you blink, the season spent with people has changed.  

This compels me to STOP and breathe in every moment.  

Take NO person I love for granted, despite disagreements.  

Be in each moment, with no distractions. 

Give my full attention and respect. 

Do my best to fully live the life I’m supposed to live.  

And LOVE people even when they are unloveable.  

If you have been in my life throughout different seasons, I thank you. I know time does not permit for all the people I have loved to exist all at once, in the same time and space, but I am grateful for each of you. 

Dissecting is necessary for study

I have been off the blogging airwaves for a little over a week. My allergies have kept me busy dealing with headaches and misery which in turn has allowed me to excuse myself from writing. Which really means, I have excused myself from checking in with myself and being present and REAL. Sometimes I just get sick of myself and it all seems redundant.

In all honesty, each day I have sat down to write and I feel stumped. Writers block has finally set in after almost 150 posts since February. I just feel like I don’t have anything bubbling up to the surface right now.

There is plenty going on in my life I could write about.
I have struggling family members who haunt my thoughts constantly and weigh heavy on my heart. I have been missing them terribly.
I have witnessed true heartbreak among my friends. Death, divorce and discontentment swirled around in hushed conversations amid many different households. I have made myself available to carry burdens along side them in hopes to lighten the load. Living life together. I have prayed and wondered why? It never gets easier to hear bad news. I have put trust in God that he will surely make beauty from all these ashes.
I have scolded my children. I have had fights with my husband, fights with myself and my very own body, resentful of limitations I allow myself. Resentful of being in my own way. I have yelled and smirked. I have been difficult. Tired, irritable.
I have been juggling money and chores. Made meals and amends. I have been counseled and offered counsel. Showered and dressed. Worried and stressed. I have dodged phone calls and returned them. Faced the music and dodged bullets. Been overly honest and painfully vague. Kept my word and made new commitments. Met goals and completely blew others off. Canceled plans and forgotten things. I have scrolled newsfeed after newsfeed in a weak attempt at being connected but have realized it only leaves me feeling disconnected, bitter and jealous (every single time!).

Yet, I have belly laughed, cried tears of joy and slept so deeply and peacefully for a few nights in a row that it somehow makes up for the harder things.

Life just keeps moving…ready or not.

(P.S. One of my favorite cousins designed this logo for me in honor of my “dissection of an open heart” that is the essence of Realology. Isn’t it cool?)

New every morning

If “you are what you think about all day long” it’s no wonder yesterday and the day before kinda sucked.

Last night during lots of reflection I realized I had been non-stop nay-saying myself for the past 48 hours. I’m calling myself out on it right here. You see, in my many, many, MANY, attempts at dieting and losing weight, I always lose and gain the same 20 pounds. And when I say gain, I mean the original 20 lost and probably 20 additional. Since my recent loss of about 20lbs, I have been telling myself that I won’t be happy until “I break past 20 and onto 30” out of fear of this dreaded cycle I’ve had. Well, when you tell yourself something over and over and over and over and over and over, it’s bound to become a truth. Shame on me. I should know better by now. But as a recovering pessimist, sometimes I slip back into my old thinking ways instead of keeping my eyes steadfast on the prize.

One of the things I now know to be true in this battle against addiction that is very a very real and very spiritual is, we have to TALK to ourselves instead of LISTEN to ourselves. There is a tape playing on repeat in my head that has been there since my childhood. The only way to overcome the lies is by telling myself the truth. For me, that is truths that I believe about God and who He made me to be, who I am as a woman, a wife, a mother. I am not what the liar in my head says I am.

So I spent some time last night taking my own advice. (?) I re-read some of my old blog posts and it helped me remember the “why’s ” of not throwing the towel in and not getting stuck on this 20 pound issue. I was reminded of my declarations of demolition and have found that I have a fresh burst of faith this morning.

I woke up to this picture and quote of C.S. Lewis from a dear friend on my fb wall. I’ve received emails and messages of encouragement on my WordPress. I got a text first thing this morning from one of my brothers that said,”today is a day that has never been…choose to make it like NO OTHER.” The love that I feel from all of you seems like a hammock of safety hanging beneath me, ready to catch me from a fall. Appreciate is not an adequate word.

It’s no secret that in this “meaningful makeover” process, my faith has been undergoing some changes as well. That being said, I hate to use a cliche bible verse to prop up my current state of mind…but I can’t help it if its true!

“Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” -Lamentations 3:23 NLT

If our eyes popped open this morning, we really DO get a new start, a fresh chance, a do-over. Maybe not technically, but spiritually. I’m grateful for Gods faithfulness and mercy and provision of amazing friends and family…left to myself I’d be miserable.