Peace out!

So I’ve decided to act on some come conviction I’ve been feeling lately revolving the amount of time I am spending online. It may be distracting me and keeping me from learning some deep lessons…or at least helps me avoid them REALLY well. I had been feeling like I needed to scale back on Facebook time but kept excusing my self because I just plain didn’t wanna. This remarkable video clip came to me and pressed in…

After that, it made me start to evaluate if I was “using” my online activity as an escape as much as I use food.

Yesterday, I could run no further from the truth after reading the BRILLIANT post by Glennon over at Momestary. Please please please read:

http://momastery.com/blog/2013/09/26/6-reasons-social-media-dangerous/

I made the decision last night that I am being called to lay down the “check-in” obsession and BE STILL.

I removed my Facebook app and Instagram apps from my phone but will still continue to blog and post my blog on the Realology page. Other than that, I’m on a freeze.

It’s hard to admit feeling out if control in this area! What about you? Is this something you struggle with?

Progress Report

Are you living in a whirlwind right now like I am?

There has been so much going on in our life lately. Much of which, unfortunately, I can’t share to protect the anonymity of a couple of beloved peeps. That said, we have been in the thick of some hard stuff.

But aren’t we all?

Life is busy with constant conflicts, complications and stresses. I’ve learned to observe the practice of slowing down to appreciate the constant undertow of blessing that is always lying beneath the flurry. If you don’t stop and still yourself, you’ll miss it and its life giving power.

I feel like my writing has been a little evasive the past week.
Therapeutic for MY soul…but evasive nonetheless. Whatever the case, writing has been my life raft keeping me afloat. Keeping me close to the pulse of God at work in my life and the lives around me. Even if it sucks, I know that my writing has been a gift and a prayer closet. Feeding my spiritual self has to be and is becoming more important than feeding my physical self.

I remind myself each day that my commitment to Realology is to BE REAL. To face the truth as best I can, and write about it with honesty and heart.
My prayer in this blogging project has always been to pursue peace with myself from the inside out and let that it would be contagious to the women around me (most importantly, my daughter).

So, a progress report is in order.
Since I first began this blog in February, I’ve lost 25 pounds (from my highest weight ever that I’ll share someday). Well, actually I’ve actually lost the same 25 pounds two times. Right now I find myself in that weird place of being down 25 pounds and being fearful of not getting past it again. It’s crucial to be one step ahead of myself right now with positive thoughts so that I don’t get into that old familiar trap of listening to old lies.

I have been introduced to a vitamin supplement called Plexus that you drink once in the morning. It was originally formulated for people with type 2 diabetes to help regulate their blood sugar and it was found to have a profound effect on people who needed to lose weight as well.

I’m not going to turn my blog into a sales pitch, but this little pink drink in the morning seems to have muted the ravenous beast that is my appetite. I was VERY skeptical at first, seeing as how I’ve tried EVERYTHING that seemed as though it would magically help me. This is no magic, I still have to make good choices, but I feel like its enabling me to make better choices and definitely helping me with consuming smaller portions. I’ve only been drinking it for 4 weeks. I have found that being consistent with that and with drinking LOTS of water has helped me feel great! Lots of energy and of course, 25 pounds down. Now I just gotta keep going. Here’s the link if you’re interested, http://mandiholden.myplexusopportunity.com/.

Most importantly I have been continuing with working though the 12 steps and making sure that I’m taking the recovery process very seriously. Continuous study on the topic keeps me one step ahead of myself and proactive against my food addiction. I’m reading a book right now (amongst many!) called “Love Hunger”. It’s boring and clinical but I’m getting some good nuggets out of it with regards to food addiction. I know I’m not alone in this battle and I’m glad to share whatever I’ve been learning along the way.

The other thing is I’ve been making an extra effort to wear makeup more regularly. It makes me FEEL better about myself and makes me feel pretty. Even if I’m only staying at my house, it seems to give me a little boost of confidence that I have been enjoying. Not every single day…but when I feel like it, it’s fun.

Well, that’s that.

Hope you are all thriving and living life to the absolute fullest!!!

Boomshakalaka.

The Lords supper

I think sometimes we just need to have a good cry. I have no idea why, but it makes you feel so much better. It sounds trite, but it’s very cleansing.

Yesterday I had an “ugly cry” episode during church service. The first weekend of the month is when my church family observes communion. For those who maybe aren’t sure what that is, its a ceremony that’s done in church to remember what Jesus did on the cross. The bread element representing His body that was broken for us and the wine/juice element representing the shed blood as a exemption from our sin. It prompts us to search our hearts in prayer and eat the things together as a reminder of what this life of faith is all about and the mercy that we have been shown. The catholic church does this daily, some churches do it every week, some every other…it varies from church to church. My pastor began the service talking about what it means in our life to gather at the table. To come together and relax and replenish. To share with loved ones over a meal, making memories. Often in times of celebration. Or bringing comfort in times of grief. Moments that we all share no matter our culture. We like to take our place and enjoy.

The thing that struck me is that bellying up to the table is NOT a celebration for me. It’s the scene of the crime. For the person with disordered eating, food is public enemy number one. The act of eating somehow becoming a vile, dirty act. Food presenting itself as menacing and sinister as a dirrrrty, dirrrrty magazine filled with the raunchiest of temptations. Even when I’m eating “in bounds” and doing well and losing weight, the pull is magnetic.

I can relate to the alcoholic that has to dodge the offers of chilled beers and frothy margaritas at bbq’s or the casual glass of wine with dinner. I can also imagine the constant temptation there is to unwind at a bar, let go and have fun with friends. I’m not an alcoholic, but I know first hand how it feels to have an addiction beckoning me constantly. Offering artificial but instant promises of relief. And in some ways I envy them slightly. Crazy right?! Except for the alcoholic there is abstinence. There are black and white lines drawn. Clear boundaries. You wouldn’t expect an alcoholic to drink one beer three times a day and call it sobriety?

No. I can’t abstain from eating.

I must face my ugly beast in the eyes at least three or so times a day for the rest of my life. My bars, pubs and neon lights boast not of beer and liquor but of Golden Arches, Taco Bells..and value menus. Drive thru windows where I don’t even have to get out of my car and can easily hide any or all evidence of the dirty deed done. With one swipe of my card, I’m spiraling downward…physically, spiritually, mentally, even financially. And just like an addict, it seems with little regard in the moment for those who are stuck in my spiral unwillingly. The remorse and guilt only causing more eating…

Food has been the shot in my arm sought to numb and soothe anxiety. A means of avoiding and dimming my feelings to retain some false sense of control. Eating has been a vehicle of self abuse instead of what it was intended to be…a means of fueling my body with energy, nurturing and caring for it.

I’m crying in church, wondering how audacious it seems for me to eat of this “meal” being offered. Me, the abuser of food. My big body is evidence…I can’t deny it.

Gluttonous.
Shameful.
Just give it up.
Surrender to the facts.
You’ve failed before, you’ll fail again.
You’ll never beat this.
It’s too much.
Just don’t care anymore.
Pointless.

But then …Jesus saying,

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:10 NLT)

“I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. ” (John 6:35 NLT)

“Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare.” (Isaiah 55:2 NLT)

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on.” (Luke 12:22 ESV)

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17 ESV)

“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” (Song of Solomon 4:7 ESV)

A poem of love.
For me…from the creator of this body I’ve hated so much. This body that has allowed me to walk and move and live life despite how my mind has destroyed it. This body that has birthed two beautiful and healthy children. This body that has been allowed to wake again this morning to a new day…despite the pain…to try again.