The Tale of the Evil ScaleΒ 

  

Well, today I’m confessing.   

I’ve been struggling.  

Stepping on the scale after every visit to my bathroom in hopes of some kind of validation of all my hard word work is CRAZZZY , and if I’m being fully transparent…it is EXACTLY what my trainer has asked me NOT to do.  
But I’ve done it anyway, trying to surprise myself with a surprise moment of victory.  
The scale is an insidious object.   I’ve been a mad woman, obsessing and feeling sorry for myself because of it.    A dangerous mental attitude for me to allow when that is the very thing that spiraled me into depression and caused this whole mess in the first place.  It creates the perfect climate and conditions for setting myself up for a binge eating episode.  The kind of binge where my eyes turn black like a shark, and all clarity is thrown from the windows.  Vast amounts of calories are consumed in a shameful and violent fury, like wild animals captured on tv pouncing on prey. 
 Self pity can seduce me into a wide range of poor decisions.  
No.  I cannot allow one more day of obsessing over what the scale says, being disappointed and feeling sorry for myself.   
I’ve been teetering between the same 10 pounds, up and down, and never breaking past my loss of 48.  
Wanting SO BADLY to cross over that threshold to share this list that I’ve been compiling on the notepad of my phone for weeks.  A list of all the ways my life has changed.  Instead of celebrating these things, I’ve been BUMMING OUT.  
Doubting myself. 
So this morning I ask myself,”Why do I have to wait for an “official”  -50 pounds to share how much my life has changed in the past 6 months?” 
Why am I letting the scale have this much power over me?  Why am I NOT listening to my trainer who obviously knows what she is talking about? (LOL 😝) 
Is that number on the scale representing all of the days I’ve honored my commitment to myself and shown up at the gym?  Does that number represent all the good choices I’ve made with my eating? All the days I’ve spent meal prepping and faithfully logging macros on MFP?  Does the number on the scale define my worth as a wife, mother, or woman? Can it capture my value as a human being created by a loving God and display THAT on its screen? 
That number doesn’t represent anything other than how much my body, filled with muscles, fat, water and waste weighs.  It doesn’t measure my hustle or heart.  
So, in honor of myself and the hard work that I deserve to celebrate…here is my list of the top 16 ways my life has changed for the better in the past 6 months:  
*I am on top of all the busy work in my house.  Cleaning, laundry, meals…my energy seems to be soaring and I’m able to once again take care of business around here without feeling overwhelmed. 
*Touched my toes for the first time since probably high school? So cool.  
*I can wrap a towel all the way around me.  A large beach towel…but it goes all the way around now.  
*I can use any bathroom stall…not have to wait for the large, handicapped one. 
*I can shave my legs without fear of a near death experience every time.  
*I’m not desperate for the closest parking spot when I go grocery shopping.  Everyday activities and demands have gotten so much easier.  
*I can paint my toenails again. 
*Sit closer to steering wheel! 
*I can wear jeans again.  Albeit the largest pair in my closet, but for the past two years those didn’t fit me at all.  Now they do. 
*I can play with (WANT TO) play with my kids and dog in the afternoons.
*I am able to straiten my hair and/or wear makeup if I chose to because I am no longer sweating profusely just from having a heart beat.  I used to sweat just from the act of using a straitener…the heat mixed with my size turned into a humid frizzy mess. Avoided almost exclusively. 
*I am able to run up my stairs to grab something without fear of cardiac arrest. 
*Married life activities have stepped up a notch.  Yeah, I said it.  It’s always been spicy…πŸ˜‰ but it’s like a whole new, uncharted world over here!  (Sorry Dad!) 
*I was able to sit at a booth with my family at a restaurant.  A BOOTH.  I squeezed into a booth.  If you have ever been fat, you know the terror of being seated in a booth.  
*I’m sleeping better. 
Dear GOD IN HEAVEN, I’m sleeping so much better!
*And the best one, I am doing things in the gym that I NEVER would have believed I’d ever be able to do.  My strength and endurance is gaining daily and I am so proud of myself.  I’ve put in hard work and if it isn’t showing itself on the scale, it certainly shows itself during my workouts.  
There you have it.  
My life has been transformed in the past 6-7 months and I almost missed out on the celebration because of the dumb scale.  
My hubs has been threatening to hide it from me and today I think I might actually let him! 
 

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Real Talk

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Realology is about keeping it REAL. I am reminded often about how important it is to keep the documentation of my journey as honest as possible. I am no phony. This is the real deal here. No filter. No fuss, no fluff. Just me, fighting through all these crazy feelings to get to the core of who I am and learn to love whoever that is in the process.

It seems every time I start to feel like I’ve figured this thing out and I’m on my way, I experience something that takes me down a notch or two. This game really is a mental “one-step-forward-two-steps-back” situation.

MENTAL being the key word. The confidence gained inside the gym can be swiftly snuffed out by an unflattering glance in the mirror or a picture taken of myself from a terrible angle. It can be crushing. I feel that old voice in the back of my mind saying,” See? Did you really think that this was happening? You haven’t changed at all.” And just like that, I’m at the bottom left to struggle to climb back up on the wagon and keep going or throw in the towel. That’s usually when I’ve turned to stuffing my face for comfort. Eating my way through all of those gross and painful feelings. Only (of course) to make things worse.

That emotional roller coaster is the hardest part of this whole journey. Choosing to fight against that urge is something I’m faced with, sometimes multiple times in a day, which if you’re a person who has dealt with binge eating like me, it can be an extremely hard behavior to change. Not allowing yourself to “use” your drug of choice which is food.

So, real talk and confession time? I have been struggling the past two weeks with clearly hitting my nutrition goals. I keep going over the boundaries that I’ve set for myself (not by much…but still) and it feels gross, like I’m being dishonest. I’ve been consistent with my workouts and consistent with logging on my fitness pal, but little by little I keep allowing myself a little leeway here and a little leeway there…and I don’t like it. If I were treating my “sobriety” with the seriousness that an alcoholic would, letting a little slip here or there would be unacceptable. I don’t want the old mentality and dependence on food to sneak back into my mind.

Training my mind is the hardest part!

So, I’m throwing it all out here publicly to hold myself accountable! In trying to achieve a balanced life, I know that I’m gonna have a piece of heavenly pineapple cake or something like it once a week, but I have to quit letting one cheat meal turn into 25 tiny compromises on the weekends! I want to walk by a mirror and not let it crush my day because I believe the TRUTH about who I am and NOT what that voice is telling me.

So today I’m deciding to fight this wall and not let it set me back. I am recommitting myself to my eating goals because I know that THAT is being good and loving to ME. Allowing cheats and binges is abusive to myself and not loving…even though enjoying pizza presents itself as “treating” yourself in the moment, it always leaves me feeling crappy!

So here’s to a Monday morning and fresh starts!!

Fat Chick Attempting Yoga: Part 2

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I just mopped my kitchen floor without having to take a break. Just months ago it hurt my lower back so bad I would have to sit and rest. As would doing a full sink of dishes, or chopping onions, garlic and veggies for meals. I somehow managed to get stuff done, but I was a hot mess, constantly covered in sweat and headed for bigger disaster.

Confession: during this dark season, I squandered my time home with my baby girl before she began kindergarten. (That’s probably why the day she started school was such a turning point for me.) I would bustle about half asleep making breakfast and lunches and send my son off to school, only to close the door and let Disney Junior raise her for a few hours while I flopped myself onto the couch under a blanket to sleep until lunchtime. I will regret it for the rest of my life, the time I robbed myself and my kids from having a functional mommy. The time I robbed from my husband, being lazy while he had no choice but to go to work to provide for us, trusting that I was holding down the fort.

My everyday life was plagued with pain and feelings of despair. I truly hated who I was and what I had become. I began this blog as a means to sift through my feelings of depression and DO SOMETHING about it. I also wanted people to know that this is REAL life…let’s be honest about this stuff!! Why are we all pretending to have it together???! My blog became my prayer journal. I’ve wrestled through a lot on these pages…I never thought I’d really see a day when the energy would shift.

Two years ago I tried yoga for the first time and the experience was…well…memorable.

(you can read that post here: https://mandimonblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/28/fat-chick-attempting-yoga-part-1/ )

But now, after 5 months of balanced eating (still learning!) and almost daily workouts, I’ve been feeling so good…I decided to try it again.

40 pounds lost sure doesn’t seem to be showing quite yet on my body, but I tell you it CERTAINLY does on a yoga mat!
I was able to do the entire hour session and even though I had to modify some moves, it felt amazing.

Unlike the first time, when I was so ashamed and disgusted, I was free. Before, I was desperate to be in any other body than my own. This time, I felt strong, proud and willing to push myself. (And, I am still OVER 300 pounds! Whew, that was scary to type! But it’s REAL.) The instructor kept saying, “This is about acceptance…accepting your body as it is, and appreciating it.”

For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that is true. I appreciate this body. It has worked hard for me even under abuse and distress. I am learning to accept who I am and am learning what I am capable of. My mantra has become, “if I don’t lose another pound or inch…as long as I keep doing what I’m doing, I’m successful!”

For those of you who are like I was, and are thinking you don’t have the time, or don’t think you’re worth the time…thinking maybe it would be robbing your kids, family or job of your attention…or setting this time aside for yourself is being selfish or vain, consider this:

You are robbing them NOW.
You are cheating them NOW.
You’re ABUSING yourself and cheating yourself, RIGHT NOW! And its not how we’re meant to live!

The time you spend devoted, dedicated and committed to hating yourself is the SAME time and energy that becomes devoted, dedicated and committed to loving yourself.
Which only benefits and blesses those that you love.

The way our babies watch us hate ourselves is tragic. They are watching and listening. Learning from us how to care for themselves. I can’t turn back time and erase it, but I have changed the course we were on.

This is more than attaining a certain pant size, it is getting my life back. It is mopping my floor and playing with my kids. It is being able to hold a warrior pose when I couldn’t before.

It is being able to honor all those days I robbed from myself and my family, and making the most of the ones ahead.

Big girl panties

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I’m at the gym right now fighting ugly tears. I have no idea why, nothing’s wrong…but everything’s wrong.

My shoes are falling apart.
My shirt is stained.
My underwear are hanging off of me and getting in the way when I try to move.
(Which technically is a WIN because of my weight loss so far.)
Everything is rubbing and chafing and hurting.
And the warmer my body gets the more I am becoming aware that I smell like the breakfast I made for my kids this morning before I left…and not in a good way.

I am not a pretty sight.

Sometimes it’s hard to muster up the gumption to walk in here just being as big as I am…let alone not having fresh and cute gym clothes and the confidence of a woman who has her life together. Sometimes this whole thing just sucks.

Feeling overwhelmed.

Feeling SORRY FOR MYSELF.

lol

I just literally had to stop and sit down and write or I felt like I was going to fall apart and off of the treadmill, becoming the next viral video you’d see on Facebook tonight.

The truth is I’m probably just hormonal and human. Sometimes we have “off” days. Sometimes things aren’t pretty. I’m learning that it’s EXACTLY in these moments, the moments of doubt and despair, when it matters most to choose your attitude. Moments like these, to cast my cares upon the shoulders of a loving Creator who is big enough to carry them. Moments like these when I will get off my butt and finish my workout, even if I’m not feeling it.

Boomshakalaka.

Flotsam and Jetsam

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One of the best things about keeping this blog and practicing the daily commitment of it has been asking myself each morning, ” What is real? What is true today?” Having to check in and be honest with myself and dig out a nugget of truth seems to always bring me before God in a REAL and meaningful way. It has helped me to create a time of reflection, study and prayer that I was struggling to find before.
That being said, sometimes what I unearth and dust off SUCKS.
Sometimes, what God shows me about myself is not flattering or fun to share. But REAL is what I must be, so here we are.

I have been exploring confidence.
What it looks like, feels like, sounds like.
How is it attained and kept? How is it dashed?
I’ve been wondering why it seems so fleeting.
To be solid and sure and heading in the right direction one minute only to find you’ve allowed yourself to be tossed to and fro. The bible warns against this, calling it childish. Eluding to shady behaviors, teachings and trickery causing the doubt and questioning. It conjures images of being cold and wet. Unsure of your footing. Exhausted from gripping and holding on tight enduring a raging storm on the sea. Waves crashing down all around. Left wondering what the heck happened to the calm, sunlit and promising course you were JUST on?

“…so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.” -Ephesians 4:14 ESV

What is true today?

I have lost my confidence.
I have been out of bounds.
I have been slowly tricking myself into little allowances.
Little here…little there.
Deceiving myself.

“This false teaching is like a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough!” – Galatians 5:9

Interestingly, the Bible teaches that leavening or yeast is a tangible picture of how sin works in our lives. In the Old Testament the practice of keeping and eating unleavened bread is meant to remind us that we are to live in sincerity and truth by obeying God’s law–that we are not continue in false religion, not to continue in sin. Not to allow ourselves to be puffed up, I would even say, not continue in deceiving ourselves.
Physically, leavening agents include yeast, bicarbonate of soda (baking soda), and baking powder. These agents “puff up” grain containing products and make them look larger than they would be otherwise. A PERECT example of false confidence instead of the true confidence that comes from doing the right thing…thus, being able to feel good and proud of your choices.

My “in-bounds” eating calls for me to avoid these very foods. The simple carbs that are the crux of my addiction. Breads, pastas, pastries of all kinds. All of that stuff! It’s NO GOOD for me. Physically or spiritually. I don’t want to be puffed up and tossed about. I want to be confident and vibrant.

The pursuit of a meaningful makeover persists! I will continue to choose each day, each hour, each minute if need be to turn the ship around and get back on course!

Ahoy!!

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Day 20 of 35!!! πŸ˜Šβœ…βœ…βœ… Today was a CRAZY day, so I had to fit a quick 20 min SOMETHING in this morning! Hey...a workout is a workout! πŸ’ͺ🏽πŸ’₯πŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ”₯πŸ’œ #keepgoing #persist #35daysofgainz #notallworkoutareglorious

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