Begin Again

It’s November in Northern Nevada and the weather has just started getting wet and cranky.  I’m standing outside my gym in the rain.  My body is hot, and I can see steam floating up off my arms as I lean against the wet wall and let allow myself 1 minute to cry.  I had been pushing all of my built up emotions down and down and down, as far as I could, throughout the whole workout.  I finally had to step out so that I wouldn’t choke on my own feelings lodged in my throat.  “1 minute, that’s all you get.” I tell myself.

Pushing yourself physically in a workout will ALWAYS break down those walls we work so hard to put up.  It exposes you, makes you feel vulnerable and you cannot hide.  That is part of why working out is so uncomfortable for most people at first, and we don’t like to do it!   But eventually, it turns into a magical, victorious, HIGH, that us weird fitness people chase like a drug.  That feeling when you’ve conquered the initial discomfort and you start to feel stronger, faster, BETTER. Suddenly there is NOTHING you cant face out in the world, once you’ve faced yourself in the gym.

Fitness magic.

But…starting over is SO HARD.

“I am so tired of feeling this way.  Is this ALWAYS going to be how it feels?  Why did I do this to myself? Why did I stop??!  Will I ever get where I want to be?” I think to myself, as I struggle to catch my breath.

So MANY valid excuses…that mean absolutely NOTHING in this moment, because I feel defeated and robbed of all my confidence I had worked so hard for.    I lean over with my hands on my knees. I take in deep breaths and let the rain fall on my back, and my mind race.  Tears rolling down my face.   “Here I am, eating my own words.” I say out loud to no one, and laugh.

I stand up, wipe my face with shirt and head back in to the session to finish, because even though I fell off my wagon for a bit, I CANNOT quit.  Too many people are counting on me to BELIEVE in what I talk about everyday.

So here I am, walking my talk.

My 9 year old daughter has been asking everyone in our family if she is fat.

It’s been very subtle, but I have discovered that she has been privately polling multiple family members at different times and it shatters my heart.  She is NOT fat, though I know there have been kids at school who have called her fat, and she has become sensitive to it.  I recognize those feeling all too well.

I worry, is it because of ME? Because her mom is in THIS body? And her mom was in another body before that? And working on another body still?  Has she, despite my best efforts, inherited my shame?  Has her being present and aware of my weight loss journey/body image journey/self acceptance journey, done the opposite of what I had hoped? I wanted to show her that despite everything and ANYTHING, I am capable of AWESOME…so that she could KNOW that she is too?

Even just typing this, I can feel my insides start to ache with the thoughts of her not knowing how beautiful and magical she is.

I watch her when she doesn’t know I’m  looking, and wonder how I made this human.  Her little 9 year old girl face. Her nose is freckled like mine.  Her hair is thick, blond and short. She likes it just long enough to tuck behind her ears.  She is a tomboy who loves to fight and wrestle and get dirty.  She LOVES karate.  She hates pink and loves black and green.  But she also thinks boys are SO CUTE (especially Justin Bieber and her 20 year old karate instructor, AJ).

She is in love with love.  She thinks shes going to grow up and marry her dad.  She loves to hug and kiss and crawl ALL over us, and declare her love for everyone, much to the dismay of her big brother.  She’s obsessed with all kinds of animals (except creepy crawly ones) and her heart is so tender,  she cries instantly if an animal is lost, hurt or wounded in movies.  She loves to crank her music up and sing at the top of her lungs…but gets embarrassed and shrinks all the way down to the floor if she catches us listening.  She loves to laugh.  Once she starts up its hard to get her to settle down.

She is our favorite girl in the world!! My ladybug.

And some asshole kid called her fat?

Who could ever know the depths of how wonderful she is just by looking at her?

But isn’t that true for all of us? How do we so quickly forget that we are harboring all the BEST parts of ourselves inside of these bodies, and not the other way around??

Coming home from our conference in September was a climatic whirlwind. There was an overload of praise, contentment, pride and satisfaction with ALL THE THINGS!! And there was also recovery from being dehydrated,  and off of my regular routine of steady workouts and usual diet.   I happily let myself enjoy it ALL, and honestly never quite made it back to “normal” before going on another trip and adding insult to injury.  Slowly and surely I started to make excuse after excuse and feel like crap.  Days turned into weeks, weeks turn into months and lbs turn into more lbs. I gained some weight back, and started to spiral downward and feel out of control and lose heart.

The good news is, it is my job everyday at my club, to convince people that no matter how far they have fallen off the wagon…they can get back up and try again. It is my job to assure people that even though it SUCKS in the beginning…it turns into magic when you start to love yourself.  It is also my job to continue to KEEP IT REAL. All along, sharing this journey, with all of its ups and downs.

And my most IMPORTANT job, is showing my little girl that my value as a woman is not defined by the state of my body, but the state of my heart!

So, I had to begin again.

And, however many times I have to start over, I will. Again and again, I HAVE TO. Because I have to show my girl that there is so much more that makes a person special than what their body looks like!!

And, for those of us who continue to get back up and keep trying, despite seeing the results we want to see immediately, and despite all of the doubts, fears and setbacks…KEEP GOING.

Push through, until it is magic again.

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Attitude is Everything: Fat chick at a Fitness Conference 2.0

I just just stuffed my backpack above me, and sank into my plane seat. I take a deep breath and close my eyes with relief. Im ready to head home and see my family.

I’m exhausted.

Sunburned.

Dehydrated.

And definitely, hungover.

But I feel like I just won the lottery.

My heart is full.

My LIFE is full.

I look down at myself and and survey the scene:

Even though I’m still squeezed in close to my favorite travel teammate, I’m buckled into my chair with ease. It just keeps getting easier and easier for me to travel! I say a silent prayer of thanks, knowing how HARD this has all been for me before.

Walking down the isle of the plane, my sides no longer brush and bump the peoples arms, and it feels amazing to not have to apologize for my existence…walking that gauntlet of shame.

I’m wearing pajama pants, a Palm Springs conference tee, purple shoes, and my purple running man, manicured nails are clutching my purple water bottle and brand new copy of “Love Work” by Chuck Runyon. I notice my “persist” running man, flame tattoo on my wrist and wonder if I’ve not just stepped into overkill territory?

I’m a hot-AF-post-conference MESS!!!!! But, I LOVE IT.

You see, last year I struggled.

( You can read all about that here: https://mandimonblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/14/fat-chick-at-a-fitness-conference/ )

Last year, I was still trying to be invisible. Despite my efforts, I was still battling with shame, discomfort and embarrassment with my body. And, If I’m being completely honest, not much has changed for me physically in a year. I’m down about 30 more pounds from the Lake Placid Conference. I’ve gained muscle and more endurance, but this time the weight I’m most proud of losing, was in my heart and mind.

This year I was was promoted to manager of my Anytime Fitness club, and I took that position of leadership VERY seriously. I have battled with that dark part of myself that felt fearful and unworthy. I finally surrendered to the fact that my value as a leader was NOT based on a certain number on the scale. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have been offered the position, right?

Being FAT is NOT the worst thing a person can be.

Your value and worth as a human is not worth less if you are fat. But being miserable, ashamed, depressed, suffering with pain and barely alive IS the WORST thing a person can be. And THAT is what has changed for me with the magic of fitness. THAT is what I LIVE to show the people who come into my gym everyday. The scale will move…but I must PERSIST.

My value is here NOW. It always HAS BEEN. I decided to OWN the fact that I am “representing a possibility”.

Ive decided to OWN the fact that I actually have an advantage with my size, and that WONT last forever.

I have the ability to say,” Look at me…I work HERE. I workout HERE. I was changed HERE. I found out who I truly am in HERE. I was welcomed and loved HERE…and so are YOU.”

It has been the most powerful year of my life. Realizing that all of the members in my gym, that I have the honor of representing, are looking to me as an example of persistence, and they are proud of me…that is enough to snap me out of any self doubt or sabotage.

There have been MANY struggles and setbacks…and times where my confidence and resolve was shaken, but there has been a permanent shift in me, and it SHOWED itself this week in Palm Springs.

No longer was I desperately trying to blend in and disappear. I just literally, let it all hang out, and allowed myself to just be MYSELF.

Proudly, alongside my team…my family… just like I am everyday in our clubs. Why would I want to come to conference and be anyone other that who I am everyday with my people?? If I’m constantly urging them to step outside of their comfort zone and believe in themselves…shouldn’t I be??!

Last year I was afraid to workout alongside 2,000 people for a world record breaking 3 minute workout. This year, I jumped into a live, 45 minute group session on the purple turf, in the middle of the trade show, with tons of people watching (and the AF corporate head trainer/she-hero herself, Rachel Prairie!) and did NOT CARE. I know what I am capable of.

This is it. This is who I am, and this is who has been given this amazing opportunity to live in the crazy fitness world and grind.

I TRULY was “hired to inspire” and I am so unbelievably grateful.

To my team, each and every one of you has made more of an impact on my life than you will ever know. You have made me one of you since DAY ONE and I am forever thankful for how you have changed my life and never let me give up. I’m so honored to live this life with you guys.

And, to Brandon and Amber Borden, my club owners, who just won the 2017 O2i of the Year Runningman Award…thank you.

Thank you for changing my life, and then taking a crazy risk in hiring me, believing in me and pushing me to be better and better and BETTER. I am so proud and honored to be on #teamborden and am SO EXCITED the whole AF world got to see/hear how amazing and special you two are. Also, I’m sorry I “Kanye-ed” you on stage. With all this new confidence…I do declare, I literally could not help myself. 😜

Reining it in

I love that my hair is long enough to pull up into the perfect messy bun.  No strays or stragglers.

I love that I opened this window on my left side and a burst of warm summer wind hit me in the face like a pleasant surprise.

I love that my Pandora is playing all the songs I like so I don’t have to waste any skips.

I love that my dog always knows just when I need her to snuggle up against me and be my friend.

I love that my babies are running through my house having fun despite me yelling at them to knock it off.

I know I will miss their mess and noise someday and I only need a moment of intentional gratitude to sober me.

I love that when I stop and take notice, I am overwhelmed with things to say thank you for.

The hardest thing about being a realist is that you’re really only a pessimist in disguise.

To halt myself from traveling down the familiar gloomy tracks and force instead a stroll down a brighter path…

Well, I’m more comfortable sitting in the shade.

My disappointment hangs from my body,

heavy and always inconvenient.

Protecting me from pain but hard to ignore…and if I’m being honest it only makes it worse.

But I am told to be in the light as He is in the light…

and I was.

Spent the fullness of time feeling welcomed and alive.

Now here we are again, and back to being the last resort.

Wasn’t quite ready to come home to the norm.

I have amends to make and bridges to burn, like calories…and we all know how good I am at that.

Frames and galleries of words that crowd my heart, and the space is getting limited in these chambers.

Bolted with hardware and welded to my arteries.

This kind of blockage requires a skilled surgeon.

Blood pumping through paths I’ve carved out to survive.

A masterpiece.
A bypass of emotion.

Today is a new day that has been made for my gain,

taking a new route and a fresh way.

I will choose gratitude.

What other choice do I have?!

I love that I have mastered the art of coming full circle, even when it seems pointless.

I love that a deep breath and honest words can set my focus strait.

I love that I will turn off this computer and leave the tears behind and get back to living.

Excuse my ramblings today. I just needed to rein it in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

New landscapes

There is much to be said about clutter and disorganization in your home having a direct correlation to your physical and mental health.  The internet is ripe with articles and testimonials about this phenomenon. Today, I was sitting in my backyard trying to have a clear and meditative moment when I decided that this was true.

My back yard looks like a desert wasteland.  You almost expect to see Mel Gibson dressed as Mad Max come walking around the corner of the house, covered with dust and scouring the land for supplies.  It’s embarrassing.   My husband and I joke about this to our friends but it is mostly to cover up the shame we both feel about having let it all go back there.  We have kids and a dog and Game of Thrones, obviously making yard work low on our priority list.  Its more like we warn people before they peek out the window.  We care about what our space and habitat looks like because it says a lot about who we are.  We are FAR from fancy but we try to make a good impression by sprucing and cleaning.  We want anyone who comes into our home to feel comfortable and welcome.  The success of Pinterest proves that we are a generation obsessed with cheap and easy DIY fixes for the home. We want to paint and spruce and decorate so that we feel “acceptable”.

It’s not that different from how we dress ourselves.   We primp and fuss with our hair and makeup, especially if we have somewhere special to be.  Clothes, shoes, bags and other accessories.  Women are known for paying attention to detail.  Lots of men are just as fussy about the way they look as us ladies are.  It’s just a necessary evil right?  We spend so much time showering, sugar scrubbing, shaving, lotioning and dressing.  Brushing, curling, straightening and spraying.  Blending, concealing, highlighting, and glossing.  Finally, we look in the mirror and survey if we are ready to leave the house.  Are we acceptable to be seen?  To step out in the marketplace and participate in life?   Even though these painted versions of ourselves aren’t truly who we are, they make us feel good enough about ourselves to go ahead and try.  We head out the door to conquer our day and the first time someone tells us we look nice we immediately say,”NOOOOOOOOOOOO.  No I don’t, I’m gross. But thank you.”  We mustn’t believe anyone when they actually compliment us, right?

If you busted your ass gutting out your back yard and pulling weeds and planting new sod you wouldn’t dismiss someone telling you how great it looked!  Why?!  Because you KNOW IT LOOKS GOOD GURRRL.  YOU WORKED HARD! It paid of and now you can take a deep breath, open a cold bottle of beer and enjoy.  Doesn’t that feel good?  To have gratitude for a nice space to sit and make memories in?  What in THE WORLD would happen if we treated our bodies the same way?  Like a sacred space, to enjoy sitting in and making memories with?

Looking around my yard and then my home I realized that in the same way I had kind of given up on my appearance because of not feeling good about myself…I had kind of done the same to my space.   Why has this evaded me?  Has there just been a massive point of no return?  Where I have given up caring about not only my body and how I can dress it…but it seems also my home and yard with it?

What would happen if I gave up fighting with myself this summer about how much I weigh, how I look or what im gonna wear and devoted all of that energy instead to rolling up my sleeves and cleaning up and fussing on this home that I have been graciously given?  What if my physical, emotional and spiritual self transformed in direct correlation to my feeling good about my living space as it had the other way around?

Am I crazy?

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Get a move on!

I just sat down at my computer and cranked up the music.

Subwoofer and all.

It feels so  good.  First song to pop up on my Pandora (Love’s Holiday/Earth, Wind & Fire Radio, if you’re feeling funky) is  Michael Jackson’s “P.Y.T”.  Just what I need to light a fire under my ass this morning to literally dust this thing off and get down to business.  He  sings,” don’t you know now is the perfect time…” and he’s right, it is.

It has been way to long.

I have been avoiding my blog, my writing and generally all things I enjoy for sometime now.  I don’t know why I do that?   Must be a part of the weird and continual self-abuse that is my default when times get stressful.   I tend to fold up shop on all things productive and go back to the old way of thinking and managing my emotions when something sucky happens. And yes, sucky stuff has happened.  But I am still here.  My family is doing well.  I have a roof over my head.  All is well. Gratitude washes away all the weariness that has threatened to take over.

The good news is, the time between my old default setting and the fresh and ambitious setting that I prefer is getting shorter and shorter.  Thanks be to God!  My desire to THRIVE is greater than the desire to be feel sorry for myself.

One of my best friends reminded me of a great quote yesterday by the legendary Tony Robbins, “motion is emotion.”

Motion is emotion. 

Our body language and energy level is connected to what we think and feel about ourselves.  How we feel about ourselves dictates the quality of what we do day in and day out.  Even though I feel as though I have to learned this lesson over and over…here it is again today and I’ll be damned if a negative attitude hadn’t snuck in and tried to take over again.  Which is a shame because I have so much to tell you guys about the past few months.  I have gone (mostly) sugar-free.  I have started Pilates.   I began acupuncture to help with managing my foot pain and also to promote healing so that I can get to where I want to get with my fitness goals.  I have been enjoying some great accomplishments!  Even though I have a long way to go, I can”t afford to pull the plug and crawl back into my comfortable cave where everything dulls and comes to a screeching stop just because it seems too overwhelming.

You can’t make momentum out of nothing.  

So today I will GET UP.

GET A MOVE ON.

Maybe put on some Beyoncé and get my groove on.  I will not lie down and let poor and lazy thinking allow me to slip into fatigue and depression (again).  I think this is a danger for any of us moms who stay at home during the day (but that is a whole other blog post!).  If I am making the choice to sit and marinate in all of my negative feelings and fears, how can I ever expect any changes to occur or progress?  This was where I always seemed to fail before.  Throwing in the towel and resorting back to the same old thing before the new thing could take hold.   Putting a halt on all of the things that help me feel better and do better  is about the worst thing I can do.

I will WRITE.

I will post it.  Even if it sucks.  Because I know I should.  Because I know it helps me feel better.  Because I know it helps connect me to everyone else who reads these words and resonates with what I feel, and I know I’m not alone.   Because I know it is my art and my gift and if I want to get better at it, I need to quit worrying about who will read it and what they will think of it.

It’s the perfect time.

Especially now that Pharrell and Daft Punk are in my ear telling me it”s time “to get lucky”.

 

 

 

 

 

New every morning

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If “you are what you think about all day long” it’s no wonder yesterday and the day before kinda sucked.

Last night during lots of reflection I realized I had been non-stop nay-saying myself for the past 48 hours. I’m calling myself out on it right here. You see, in my many, many, MANY, attempts at dieting and losing weight, I always lose and gain the same 20 pounds. And when I say gain, I mean the original 20 lost and probably 20 additional. Since my recent loss of about 20lbs, I have been telling myself that I won’t be happy until “I break past 20 and onto 30” out of fear of this dreaded cycle I’ve had. Well, when you tell yourself something over and over and over and over and over and over, it’s bound to become a truth. Shame on me. I should know better by now. But as a recovering pessimist, sometimes I slip back into my old thinking ways instead of keeping my eyes steadfast on the prize.

One of the things I now know to be true in this battle against addiction that is very a very real and very spiritual is, we have to TALK to ourselves instead of LISTEN to ourselves. There is a tape playing on repeat in my head that has been there since my childhood. The only way to overcome the lies is by telling myself the truth. For me, that is truths that I believe about God and who He made me to be, who I am as a woman, a wife, a mother. I am not what the liar in my head says I am.

So I spent some time last night taking my own advice. (?) I re-read some of my old blog posts and it helped me remember the “why’s ” of not throwing the towel in and not getting stuck on this 20 pound issue. I was reminded of my declarations of demolition and have found that I have a fresh burst of faith this morning.

I woke up to this picture and quote of C.S. Lewis from a dear friend on my fb wall. I’ve received emails and messages of encouragement on my WordPress. I got a text first thing this morning from one of my brothers that said,”today is a day that has never been…choose to make it like NO OTHER.” The love that I feel from all of you seems like a hammock of safety hanging beneath me, ready to catch me from a fall. Appreciate is not an adequate word.

It’s no secret that in this “meaningful makeover” process, my faith has been undergoing some changes as well. That being said, I hate to use a cliche bible verse to prop up my current state of mind…but I can’t help it if its true!

“Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” -Lamentations 3:23 NLT

If our eyes popped open this morning, we really DO get a new start, a fresh chance, a do-over. Maybe not technically, but spiritually. I’m grateful for Gods faithfulness and mercy and provision of amazing friends and family…left to myself I’d be miserable.

Image

Mommy dearest.

“Control your temper, for anger labels you a fool.” (Ecclesiastes 7:9 NLT)

I hate it when someone says,” Hello” to my kids, and they respond flippantly or even ignore them. I know I’m not supposed to freak out, but it reflects back on me, and I feel it is embarrassing and rude. My kids are too old for that kind of behavior! I can’t help but think it disrespectful and how I would have gotten thumped for doing that as a kid. This trend with the “H” kids is beginning to ruffle my feathers.
It started my morning off wrong dudes!
I corrected my son, he rolled his eyes and acted like I was interrupting his morning.
I didn’t think I’d have to deal with aloof, teenage behavior until, well…my son was a teenager. ?
What ensued was something that sounded shockingly like my dad stomping around in his work boots. I’ll spare the details…but I made myself pretty clear as to how I expect him to show respect when people address him. I hate being a grown up sometimes. It’s more fun to spoil him and take him to the movies.

I remember being pregnant with him and daydreaming the whole time about baby toes and little onesies. Planning baby portraits and nursery decor. Blankets wrapping this warm little bundle, smelling like Dreft detergent and baby soft cheeks smelling of Johnson’s and Johnson’s…singing to and rocking my baby with the glow and confidence of a championed new mommy.
He arrived and much of that came true…but there was also the jaundice, throw up, scary fevers, the diapers, the horrid and painful breast-feeding, the crippling lack of sleep, and the sheer terror of trying just to keep him alive. I honestly remember thinking to myself when he turned 1 month old, “Wow! We kept him alive for a month!”
Ha! That sounds so grim. Eventually we got the hang of it. Sort of keeping the thought in the back of my mind that once we get out of this baby/toddler phase, things will get a little easier. The moments of pure joy are cemented in my mind and heart forever, and there are assuredly times I wish I could have them both be babies again for one quick second. But honestly, life with little ones is hectic and very demanding. We seasoned through our son and when my daughter came along, we forged through her babydom as well.

Now, we celebrate not having diaper changes to deal with or big bags to lug around everywhere we go. We are overjoyed to not have to have a stroller. We have been excited about being able to “sleep-in” on the weekends till 8:30 or so. Our children can clearly communicate their needs which eases a lot of stress. But this new phase also brings its own set of demands. Hectic-ness. Heartache. This time I won’t be naive enough to think it’ll get any easier. It seems I’ll never feel quite prepared and “ready” as a mother. I love them so much and the desire of my heart is just to be a good mom for them. I don’t want them to act like entitled brats! It’s such a hard-line to walk, giving them the world while also giving clear boundaries and expectations…this parenting thing is ROUGH sometimes. The diaper phase may have been the easiest part after all…

That being said, I had to make a choice this morning to turn myself around. I could have settled in very comfortably into bad mood for the rest of the day. That’s not fair to my kids OR me. I am realizing more and more about myself that the success of my day is directly related to how I choose to behave and conduct myself. How I choose to think and behave and treat those around me has to be filtered through love, not anger. Anger really does make you think and act foolishly, and it so EASILY ensnares us. I can’t allow myself the luxury of a being in a foul mood these days. I don’t want it to upset my “sober” living and give me an excuse to binge. I feel like I have to be extra mindful of my emotions, but shouldn’t we all be?
Lots of little annoying, disrespectful, lame things creep up on us all day, may we choose to shake them off and control them so they do not in turn, control us.

What’s on your mind?

“Think about what you have been thinking about. There you might find the source of your discontent.” -Joyce Meyer

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. “(Proverbs 4:23 NLT)

One thing that I can’t deny is the power of a positive attitude. Making up my mind has changed my life. It sounds corny, but it is truly what made me roll up my sleeves and get serious about living my life to the fullest instead of lumping each day into a pile of waste.

I realized that sitting around thinking constantly about how fat I am, how miserable… was actually in a weird way perpetuating more and more of it. Obsessing that the pain I was in would likely never go away…surrendering to the constant, nagging voice in my head telling me that I would NEVER lose this weight. Accepting that I would just be fat and that’s it. This is my life. Allowing myself to sit and marinate.
It’s no wonder I was in a dark and depressed place. I was inviting the negativity in daily to share breakfast and it would linger, like an unwanted houseguest all day. I repeated this for months and months. It crept in like a tiny pebble in my shoe and eventually turned into a disabling cancer.
When my life then became so out of control and unmanageable due to my attempts at numbing that pain I was feeling, I finally reached a breaking point where a decision had to be made to either continue and die, or make a change.

In my recovery class this week we were discussing the topics of guilt and shame. ( Heavy duty!) The topic evolved into the difference between real guilt and false guilt. The way we think, the way we talk to ourselves and about ourselves. The power in it and behind it. One lady shared something so amazing, I still don’t think I’ve finished digesting it…

” Be careful when you hear the words: woulda, coulda, shoulda, always, never and forever in your thoughts, most times they are not your friend.”

Wow.

Right?

The way we allow ourselves to think is very important. Most people don’t even think about how they think. I know I didn’t!

No matter how you look at it, the way we feel, is a choice we make. Circumstances can be grim at times, and being positive in those times can be near impossible. We can’t get it right 100% of the time, but for the majority of the driving to and fro running errands, taking kids here and there, meeting after meeting , paying bills, work and family relationships, laundry and more laundry kinds of days…we have a choice. We can embrace and find silver linings or we can be miserable.

I have made a choice to believe what God says about me, His child. That I am loved and have been created with reason and purpose and value. That I have been given talents and abilities that will be a blessing to myself and others.

Accepting a life of misery and negativity is no longer acceptable.

These things are ALL true about you too.

Sometimes we gotta fake it till we make it…seriously. Some days I’m not bought all the way in, but I keep pressing in and moving forward.


“If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh

Day 20 of 35!!! 😊✅✅✅ Today was a CRAZY day, so I had to fit a quick 20 min SOMETHING in this morning! Hey...a workout is a workout! 💪🏽💥🙌🏼🔥💜 #keepgoing #persist #35daysofgainz #notallworkoutareglorious

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