Revisiting my steps


“You’re blessed when you’re content with who you are – no more no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”
– Matt. 5:5 (MSG)

I keep reading this over and over.

I feel like I want to brand it into my forehead where I can see it everyday.

These are living words.

This is the “message” translation of Matthew 5:5 which is part of the beatitudes that says,”blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”
I love “The Message” bible because I feel like its written in the everyday language that I use. It helps me understand what the heck the bible is talking about sometimes. I’m not a scholar, I just want to understand in lay men’s terms what is going on.

I think this scripture resonates so deeply with me because I feel like I am my own worst enemy. The war that I wage is against myself. I feel like a lunatic at times if I’m being honest. You probably wouldn’t trust me with your dog, let alone your children if you knew the levels of crazy I had going on in here. I get so sick of myself.
I’m ready to be free of the ways I hold myself back! I realize this isn’t a one time decision, but a DAILY one.

“As water reflects the face, someone’s life reflects the heart.”
-Proverbs 26:19 (NIV)

When I look around and see that my life reflects what’s in my heart, I am sobered by the truth of it.

Once again, I will make the choice to LET GO.
To unclutter my life, my home and my time to declutter the mess that lies waiting to grow in my heart and mind.

One day at a time, making the right choices even if I don’t feel like it. Managing what I already have and being thankful for it will bring contentment and hopefully peace. Surrendering it all to God who is big enough to handle it.


Gettin real

I stumbled upon a great read this morning from the blog of one of my new favorite writers, Rachel Held Evans. This article is brilliant because you could actually take each instance of the use of the word “alcohol” and replace it with “food” and it could have easily been an interview with me. I will be so bold to say that I think ALL human beings practice some form of numbing or coping, some of us just seem to take it to the extreme and end up dealing with addictions. Perhaps all of us could benefit from some form of the 12 steps, at least in theory. The formula could definitely be applied to churches. The steps deal HONESTLY with denial, confessions, forgiveness, reconciliations, righting of wrongs, helping others, moving forward. Who couldn’t use a dose of that?

One of the greatest things that I have discovered in my recovery group on Tuesday nights is simplistic and obvious. People just want to be heard. The “meetings” that we attend are rich because people can share and relate to each other. There is so much power in honesty. I have found that most of the ladies in my group are eager to offer their points of view, their pitfalls, and their triumphs. It’s actually a nice picture of what real community should look like within the faith community. True vulnerability without judgement. Real talk about real issues. If I’m being honest, it looks a lot like how I hope the world of women’s ministry might look like someday. I hate the way we gather as women within the church. It feels so cheesy sometimes. Forced. Put on. I don’t want to go on a women’s retreat to have some woman (shamefully plugging her books and websites) telling me I’m precious. Babies are precious. Baskets of puppies are precious. It’s condescending. I don’t want to hear about the spiritual gift of gardening. I don’t want to hear about The 5 steps to a hospitable dinner party. I want to get REAL. I want my faith to grow and my life be refreshed. I want to have honest and true friendships with the women in my life. That means we might get ugly and share ugly things because we hoard ugliness in our hearts instead of dealing with it, out of fear that someone won’t see us as “precious” and put together and conquering everything. I want the performances in church to end and for the REAL truths shared out of our hearts…in the open, gentle and loving light of God to set us free and change our lives.


Wow. Sorry for the passionate detour.

Please take a few minutes to check out this interview. It’s really good!

Sometimes my brain hurts

Ive been working through the 12 steps in my Tuesday night recovery class. We discussed the 6th step last night which is, “We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”. I find myself really heavy in thought still this morning on the matter. Not really sure I’m yet done with the processing of all the info. The defects of character are “exposed” after a long and exhaustive self inventory. This is hard work people! Quite frankly I’m sick of myself and the whys and how’s of my behaviors. I grow tired of the fight sometimes.

The question I was left with last night was, ” what is MORE powerful and appropriate than readiness?” The answer was, “willingness”.
All I have at times it seems, is a willingness. Maybe that is all we need?

Here is a poem I wrote after class, thought it would be appropriate to share.

Prepared? Entirely?
Poised when prompted.
As ready as I’ll ever be.
Try to be…
the least offensive and most constructive me.
Prone to be curious, prone to wander.
Trails of suggestions and questions.
I arrive again at waiting, I am left to ponder.
Peace in the many promises served.
Beauty will echo the voice of its origin if you’re lucky.
Tugged and unearthed.
There, faith is birthed.
Reminded in the finest and tiniest things…
The best in anything will make you feel something.
Constantly reminded…
That I am alive.

“The best of a book is not the thought which it contains, but the thought which it suggests; just as the charm of music dwells not in the tones but in the echoes of our hearts.”
– Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894) American author and poet.

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