A little moment in the sun

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I’m siting in my car right now, taking a few moments to let my daughter sleep. We have had a crazy busy day and she has been a polite little trooper who has earned herself a nap. (I will be kinda sad next year when she starts kindergarten and retires her post as my daily side-kick.)

Some days you just gotta do this.
Push the pause button on the day and breathe. Moving them out of the car into the house after they fall asleep will most certainly wake them up…and sometimes it’s more than worth it just to put it in park, roll the windows down and chillax.

So here I am. Chillaxin. (I actually typed that word out twice just now, how hip of me…)

Soaking in a lovely Nevada afternoon. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, I’m feeling so very “Octobery”.

Yet, despite my peaceful little moment here, I can’t help but have a heavy heart. I keep staring at my messy, sleeping little baby girl and my heart swells with love and a little fear. Its hard NOT to be afraid right now if you are a parent.

My mind keeps wandering to the candle light vigil I attended last night with my husband, children and friends in response to the school shooting that happened here on Monday. Honoring the life of a man who died this week in my hometown, protecting students at the school he taught at. It was (and is) surreal that it has happened here, but it comes as no surprise to any of us anymore. As if to say,” Well, I guess it was our turn?”

No matter how we try, we cannot escape suffering in this life. It just HAPPENS to each of us in different ways. But, for just this quick quiet moment, I feel like no matter why or what may come…I know that God is big enough to be trusted with it all. Even with MY babies.

So I can let it go…and tomorrow when I try to take it back into my own hands and be afraid, I will remind myself of this:

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”
-Isaiah 26:3 NLT

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Revisiting my steps

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“You’re blessed when you’re content with who you are – no more no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”
– Matt. 5:5 (MSG)

I keep reading this over and over.

I feel like I want to brand it into my forehead where I can see it everyday.

These are living words.

This is the “message” translation of Matthew 5:5 which is part of the beatitudes that says,”blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”
I love “The Message” bible because I feel like its written in the everyday language that I use. It helps me understand what the heck the bible is talking about sometimes. I’m not a scholar, I just want to understand in lay men’s terms what is going on.

I think this scripture resonates so deeply with me because I feel like I am my own worst enemy. The war that I wage is against myself. I feel like a lunatic at times if I’m being honest. You probably wouldn’t trust me with your dog, let alone your children if you knew the levels of crazy I had going on in here. I get so sick of myself.
I’m ready to be free of the ways I hold myself back! I realize this isn’t a one time decision, but a DAILY one.

“As water reflects the face, someone’s life reflects the heart.”
-Proverbs 26:19 (NIV)

When I look around and see that my life reflects what’s in my heart, I am sobered by the truth of it.

Once again, I will make the choice to LET GO.
To unclutter my life, my home and my time to declutter the mess that lies waiting to grow in my heart and mind.

One day at a time, making the right choices even if I don’t feel like it. Managing what I already have and being thankful for it will bring contentment and hopefully peace. Surrendering it all to God who is big enough to handle it.

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A poem for Friday


The darkness was real.
Almost swept me away.
Subtle erosion.
But I’m still here.
I can still sing.
I can still laugh.
I can still feel.
I’ll run these fingers through love.
I’m alive.
Oh Lord, I’m alive!
Hand out the window cutting quickly through the cool, fresh air.
Sweet sage; wet in the morning,
smells like a Nevada heaven.
Home.
Acoustic thoughts unplugged from the usual worry.
Smile in the face of it.
Pull in a deep breath of joy.
Heart beating.
Another day.
An evolution.
Resumed.
Reclaimed.
Restored to original luster.
Sanded down to remove the rough paint and old ways.
Smooth again.
New again.
Chokes me up; appreciation is a lump stuck in my throat.
For right now all is right and good.
For all we know our hearts could break tomorrow.
They probably will.
But we can face it bravely.
We’ve already survived being shaken.


“A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.”
– Proverbs 14:30 (NLT)

Ramblings…


β€œWe begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be.”
― Anne Lamott

Why would it be wrong to make peace with myself?

Like accepting myself and taking a deep breath of peace and appreciation into this body would be some form of self worship.
Like celebrating who I am and who God has made me to be makes me a heretic…blasphemous?
Ridiculous?

The effort that it takes to keep up the self loathing doesn’t seem worth it.
We all hate ourselves from time to time.
It’s a chronic disease.
And every time I get close to believing in the cure,
I am yanked back into doubt.

I would imagine that the creative mind behind all of this would want more of his little creatures.
No parent that I’ve ever encountered, even the really terrible ones, ever wishes for their kids to fail, shrivel up and die for the parents own boasting?
Why am I constantly being told that that is who God is?
A father so ashamed, so disgusted.
Willing to show mercy only to glorify himself and boost his own ego?
I prefer imagining him bending down to watch his children thriving and loving. Blessing, living and growing.
Coaxing us to learn hard lessons.
Beckoning us to see beauty in ashes and strength in weakness…
as he stands firmly with us, providing it.

When I make a point to notice I can see His tenderness everywhere.
In the tears of a stranger mourning an animal.
In the laughter inside the eyes of an understanding and caring friend.
In the kisses, undeserved, from an irritated spouse.
In the quick forgiveness of a child’s love and adoration.
In the loyalty and faithfulness of a dog.
In the loving truth telling that pulls no punches of a sister.
In the apology of a brother.
In the teachable moments grasped by a father.
In the quiet grief of an overweight woman in a yoga class.