Heavy Hearted 


This comparison stopped me in my tracks yesterday, and I was saving it for #facetofacefriday on Instagram. Same picture with my beautiful cousin Maria and I…but with a three year difference and what feels like an emotional lifetime apart.

I was excited about this because rarely do I physically get to see the BIG, “100lbs lost” kinds of changes (since I see my dang self every dang day and I still have some dang weight to lose!!) but this NSV was pretty cool for me! The picture taken in 2013 was just after our family reunion that a bunch of us cousins had worked hard on for months to pull together for our huge, Italian family. It was a big deal! There were about 75 people in attendance. As excited as I was to be a part of such a wonderful family event, deep inside my heart I was mortified that all of my family members were seeing me HUGE and out of control and easily around (or slightly over) 400 pounds. 

Even though I hated having my picture taken, I posed happily with my cousin Maria in my living room as we said goodbye…not knowing when we would get the opportunity again.  

This last weekend we did! 
My whole family threw my dad a surprise 60th birthday party, and when the weekend visits and festivities were all said and done, I found myself once again in my living room saying goodbye to my cousin and her family. We took almost the same exact picture and I was curious to see the difference between the two. I dug through the archives of social media and there it was! I was so blessed to see such evidence of change in my face, and more importantly to KNOW how much my life has changed since 2013. I couldn’t wait to make a side by side to post and share the progress with you, my online “fitfam”! 

And yet today…I’ve struggled to post it. Who cares about my “face to face Friday” pic?!  With all of the bad news on the news every single day…it’s hard to imagine any of this matters.  

I’ve not wanted to be disrespectful of current events by going along with my life as if everything is ok, and act like my weight loss pictures are important.  

Nothing is ok.  

The world has gone mad.  

I was awake most of the night, restless.  

Thinking about everything on the news. Like everyone else, I’m sure. 

Awake with fear and wrestling with all the unknowns. Alert with grief for ALL of the families laying awake out there in the world with shattered hearts. Worried about what might be coming up around the next corner for us all. 

Minnesota, Louisiana, Georgia…and still the aftermath settling in Orlando, Florida. And now, what’s unfolded in Dallas, Texas? I imagine so many more people than I can imagine laid wide awake last night.  

With shattered hearts and numbing disbelief. Living a nightmare.  

Loved ones ripped away from their lives and loved ones with violence.  

I know everyone has something to “say” about this today. Everyone is making “statements” about how they feel, and I guess this is mine, and that in some way pouring out our hearts and thoughts out here is ALL we can do right now to somehow try to connect and comprehend what’s happening? I don’t know. 
There’s no way I can possibly understand the depth of the despair and fear that is growing out there. It has only grazed my life from a safe distance each time I watch the news or scroll through my social media feeds…but it is enough to make me shutter and want to board up my family in our house and never come out again.  

I’m sure that’s how a lot of people feel this morning.  

Weary and wary of other people.  

There’s a heaviness laying right on top of all of us, in every city, as we try to go about our day today.  
It’s almost enough to make you wanna give up hope…but my faith (in God who is the ultimate source of perfect LOVE) showed up in my life today in a thousand different tiny ways and restored, at least for a moment, a tiny glimmer of hope that gave me peace.

Love showed up when I kissed my husband goodbye early this morning and was reminded that I still get one more day with the guy. 
Love showed up when I got up to get my day going and realized that our automatic deposits went through over night, and we are able to pay our bills and feed our kids. Always providing for every need. 
Love showed up when I went to my gym to workout and people were still sincerely smiling at me and wishing me a good morning, despite the sadness we were all feeling.  
Love showed up in multiple, beautifully and thoughtfully written posts from friends, standing firm in love and brotherhood regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or political affiliations. 
Love is everywhere if you stop and look for it. Even in a random little weight loss post. That’s what I’m choosing to look for today. And so, I’m going to share my “#facetofacefriday” post in name of love, because this is my corner of the world and I’m going to try and live it to the fullest while I still can.

I LOVE my life, however long I’ll get to live it, and this picture shows how hard I’ve worked to say that and really mean it. 

In the tiniest way, I hope that putting this out here in the world counteracts some of the negative…as we sift through all this bad news. May God have mercy and lead us all in a better way.  

Fat chick attempting a 5K



A few days ago I walked my first 5k.

I repeat, a few days ago I walked a 5k.

Me.
Still over 300 lbs, me. 
Still in pain from nerve damage in my feet, me.
Still fat, plus sized and jiggly me.
Still scared that I might get made fun of or fail, me. 
Still huffs and puffs even though I’m killing workouts 6 days a week, me.
I, signed up for…and actually finished a 5k.  It took me just over 1 hour.  H
I still almost don’t believe it.
Last July on my birthday, if you would have told the almost 50 pounds heavier and 100% more miserable me…that within 6 months my life would be different and I would have accomplished my first 5k, I would have laughed in your face! 
My first day in the gym back in August was an alarming eye opener as to how really out of shape I was!   I barely did 15 minutes on the treadmill at a speed of 2.0 and went strait to the bathroom and burst into tears.  I called my husband at work, crying and humiliated.  Overwhelmed at the long and grueling road I had ahead of me.  Unsure if I was really going to be able to do this everyday.  
The pain was sharp and unrelenting.  My feet were swollen.  My body was heavy and not used to being pushed beyond what I was able to do everyday to run my household.  It was like staring up at the Empire State Building and knowing I had to get to the top by climbing the stairs.   Who wouldn’t want to turn around and bolt?! 
Everyday after I had to MAKE myself drive over to that gym and climb on the treadmill.  
Even though it hurt.  
Even though I hated it.  
Even though I felt stupid. 
 I told myself that if my husband had to make himself get up and go to work everyday, I had to get up and make myself come here, THIS would be job right now.  Since I couldn’t  yet do it for myself, I did it for him.  
Knowing it was a sacrifice for our family to rely on his income only so that I could dedicate myself to getting healthy, I made myself go.  I did not want to waste the gift he had given me in believing in me.  
So, I made myself walk.  
I made myself do an extra minute here and there until eventually I was able to stay on for 30 min. 
 I made myself do it everyday. 
Then I made myself do what the trainer asked me to do.  I totally submitted myself to her authority and would not allow myself to not at least try and do the things she told me to.  
Even when it hurt.  
Even if I felt like a wiener. 
Even when I’d catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror to see that my belly was showing doing the ball slams, and I wanted to die from disgust and shame.   I’d pull down my shirt and make myself keep going, even though all I wanted to do was grab my keys and speed away in my truck, and never look back. 
Those first two months were brutal. 
Sometimes it’s still brutal. 
Sometimes I still catch glimpses of myself and am bummed that more progress and hard work isn’t visible.  
And sometimes I complete 5k’s and feel like I own the world.
Sometimes I amaze myself by the workouts that I’m able to do know.
The endurance I’ve built.
The weight I can lift.
The distances I can go.
Sometimes I’m amazed at how bad I want to be in the gym everyday day now! 
How excited I am to push myself.  
How amazing it feels to make my family proud.
How amazing it feels to make myself proud. 
I’ve always wanted to do a 5k and I never did. 
 I was afraid.  
Well now I can say I’ve DONE one.  
One goal reached and many more to come.  Im not where I want to be yet but I’m well on my way, because I’m not afraid anymore.  And as cliche as it sounds…if I can do this, quite LITERALLY anyone can do this.  


A little moment in the sun

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I’m siting in my car right now, taking a few moments to let my daughter sleep. We have had a crazy busy day and she has been a polite little trooper who has earned herself a nap. (I will be kinda sad next year when she starts kindergarten and retires her post as my daily side-kick.)

Some days you just gotta do this.
Push the pause button on the day and breathe. Moving them out of the car into the house after they fall asleep will most certainly wake them up…and sometimes it’s more than worth it just to put it in park, roll the windows down and chillax.

So here I am. Chillaxin. (I actually typed that word out twice just now, how hip of me…)

Soaking in a lovely Nevada afternoon. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, I’m feeling so very “Octobery”.

Yet, despite my peaceful little moment here, I can’t help but have a heavy heart. I keep staring at my messy, sleeping little baby girl and my heart swells with love and a little fear. Its hard NOT to be afraid right now if you are a parent.

My mind keeps wandering to the candle light vigil I attended last night with my husband, children and friends in response to the school shooting that happened here on Monday. Honoring the life of a man who died this week in my hometown, protecting students at the school he taught at. It was (and is) surreal that it has happened here, but it comes as no surprise to any of us anymore. As if to say,” Well, I guess it was our turn?”

No matter how we try, we cannot escape suffering in this life. It just HAPPENS to each of us in different ways. But, for just this quick quiet moment, I feel like no matter why or what may come…I know that God is big enough to be trusted with it all. Even with MY babies.

So I can let it go…and tomorrow when I try to take it back into my own hands and be afraid, I will remind myself of this:

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”
-Isaiah 26:3 NLT

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I will not live in fear

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“To live with fear and not be afraid is the final test of maturity.”
― Edward Weeks

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”
-1 John 4:18

I want to unzip this heavy coat of fear,
and run as fast as I can through the trees.

Forever in my way.
So full and looming.
Tall enough to cast shades of doubt.
Shadows and cold memories threatening me to obey their call.
They spread all across my heart with snarled clutches.
Persuading me to stay;
take shelter here, where it’s familiar.

Today is different.

A beam of bright summer sun shines through.
Perfect, radiant love is here.
Casting out all fear.
Sunrise in my soul.
Draws me in and I stand,
soaking it up.
Greedy with warmth,
I soak in as much as I can-
into each pore of my face.
Smile.
Sweet and wild;
hope intoxicating.
Brilliant and bright,
despite this frozen ground.
Oh, Lord you are thawing this frozen ground…

Branches snapping under my feet,
surprised as I am by my speed.
Quiet interrupted only by my breathing.
Deep and measured.

No time to stop and survey.
No time to stop and question.
No time to stop and be afraid.

I know where I’m going.

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Fear factor

Every now and then I think it’s a good idea to watch a scary movie. I get all excited about getting spooked. I have to find just the right movie that promises thrills without being over the top with gore or satanic stuff. Last night I watched a good one with my brother and it seems I’m paying for it this morning. My neck is sore from sitting tense for 2 hours and I have a headache. After watching the majority of the movie from the tiniest slits between my fingers, I lied in bed reliving the plot in my head for a full 45 minutes before finally drifting of to sleep.
What a wiener!
It made me wonder this morning why exactly I “like” doing that to myself? What is it about us that seeks those extreme feelings? Makes us climb onto that roller coaster or settle in to hear a good ghost story? Do we LIKE to be afraid?

I found this article this morning on webMD that was VERY interesting. Disturbing actually. It seems some people have become so invested in scaring themselves that they will pay absurd amounts of money to have someone fake kidnap them. Check it out: http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/exploring-thrill-seeking-personalities?page=3

I don’t need to dig that deep to assume that the allure of scary movies or even just movies in general is truly just an escape. Exposing ourselves to feelings and sensations that aren’t real or a part of our real life seems fun without the risk. We feel relaxed in the fact that it’s not real…like a safety net beneath us allowing us to push the limits. But the sad thing is, this illusion of safety that we have as Americans seems to be chipped away at daily. The reality of the evening news seems to be full of fresh horrors on a regular basis. People hurting each other, or getting hurt by accidents or natural disasters. No wonder we want to escape for a couple hours. Though, maybe next time I’ll choose to escape with something a little more light and fluffy.

#mygirl was the official photographer for my club @anytimefitness_northreno free workout event today...she got some great action shots and video...but this sneaky selfie she took is my fave.  #mybaby #mydaughter❤️ #thosefreckles

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