InsomniaΒ 

Mother’s Day this last weekend has left me feeling some feelings.  
Heavy feelings.  
Deep thoughts.  
If you’re not in the mood for some ponderous musings and reflection, move along. Im sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I’m not ALWAYS the, 100% gym rat/beast mode babe, slaying workouts and personal goals, striving for justice and equality amongst all the fitness levels and body types across the land, urging women of all ages to love themselves and promote genuine confidence all day long, chick.  
At times I have been known to be a very sensitive, and poetic Sally…and sometimes I must emote. So, turn on your Mumford and Sons Spotify station and enjoy this ride.  

There’s been LOTS going on for us, which is true for everyone it seems.  Adjusting to life as a full time working mom has been fun and thrilling, but also a huge adjustment for all of us. 
 And on Mothers Day, I found myself thinking about how rapidly my kids are growing, and how I’m running out of time to get it right for them. Knowing a thing and doing a thing are drastically different, and there’s always so much to DO.  I made the mistake of looking at their baby pictures and it sliced me open with nowhere to hide but here, in my words and sentences that always seem to somehow bring healing. 

Tonight, I find myself alone in my house with a soundly sleeping hubby, kids, and lazy dog. The washing machine is working away on dirty towels. No tv or music. Just an open window in my bedroom as I stare into the glow of my phone and type to clear my busy mind.  

This is one of my favorite times of year…when I can crack a window open at night and hear the sound of all the frogs by the little pond, way out beyond the houses in my neighborhood. I look forward to hearing them, as a reminder that warmer weather is on its way here again.  
I feel peaceful now, and weirdly emotional because I know that I haven’t sat down alone to write in so long, that I’m actually afraid of what might come through.  I had a friend at the gym ask me why I haven’t done a blog post in awhile, and I had to really think about it?  My life is FULL, and I have no complaints, but sometimes little crap builds up and makes your heart heavy. And when the mood strikes me to write it out, I’ve learned to surrender to it because telling the truth always sets you free.  

So here it is.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  
How your whole life is just traveling from the most current cluster of people in a moment in time to the next.  

Family, friends and acquaintances. Weaving in and out, overlapping. Mingling and vanishing. Reunited, reminiscing, disappearing. Sometimes reappearing…sometimes forgotten completely. People leaving impressions, memories and scars. Influencing and cautioning. Defending and betraying. Trust and disbelief. Loving and hating. Leaving and staying. Messy. Complicated. Devastated. Loyal. Devoted. Powerful.  

Relationships are everything.  

Lately, I have seen close friendships all around me, whom were thought to be foundational, split and fracture over technicalities. I’m so disappointed in the way we all proclaim to love, but when it’s tested we freeze up, and break off.  

Cold, iced conversations and miscommunications in rooms and across tables, where life was once shared together. But continue to pretend to be friends online? Why? 

Hardened.

Winter.

Lately, I have watched siblings step into being adults and pull away to build their own lives and stories that don’t include me. It’s selfish I know. Bittersweet, to watch something grow on its own that doesn’t require any pruning or help from you anymore. Little shoots of life and strength sprouting up, and thriving in the sunshine…NEED ROOM to grow. 

So I’m learning to let go. 

Spring.

Lately, I have been surprised and energized by the new relationships in my life. New people everywhere! New job, new surroundings, new routines, new jokes, new perspectives, new goals, new encouragement. New experiences. Fresh chances. Fresh opinions. Fresh AIR. Giving me opportunities, life and HOPE.  

It’s been amazing and I want it to stay this way forever. 

Summer.

Lately, I have been anchored by what HOME really means. My children, showered and jammied will sometimes still let me smell them and kiss them in exchange for a few more minutes before bed. They are growing into real people, but for these little moments they are still my littles…wrapped in blankets. My husband, the only person to VOW to stay by my side, and he has. He is faithful. He is constant. Cozy and comforting. Safe and warm. My one true love. My fruitful harvest. 

Fall.

And if you blink, the season spent with people has changed.  

This compels me to STOP and breathe in every moment.  

Take NO person I love for granted, despite disagreements.  

Be in each moment, with no distractions. 

Give my full attention and respect. 

Do my best to fully live the life I’m supposed to live.  

And LOVE people even when they are unloveable.  

If you have been in my life throughout different seasons, I thank you. I know time does not permit for all the people I have loved to exist all at once, in the same time and space, but I am grateful for each of you. 

Complimentary advice

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β€œI am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.”
-Proverbs 1:7 ESV

The definition of the word clever is: quick to understand, learn, and devise or apply ideas; intelligent.

Lovely describing words that anyone would delight in. But, for some reason when I hear the word I imagine it being subtly insulting, like a sarcastic jab from a dear friend, and always with a British accent.

Being described as “clever” was an interesting compliment I received over the weekend. Whether its true or not…I kinda liked it. Made me feel edgy and cool and mysterious.

It got me thinking, what’s the difference between being smart vs. being clever? Off the top of my head I would imagine that someone who is smart has measurable book knowledge whereas, someone who is clever is street smart. Quick on their feet and resourceful, albeit sneaky?

Am I sneaky?! Haha, I wouldn’t think so.

I guess being seen as clever isn’t so bad. I’m definitely NOT very book smart so I’ll take it. In all truthfulness, the greatest compliment I have ever received (besides the obvious of being breathtakingly gorgeous, duh) is that I have a teachable spirit.
Why is that the greatest compliment? Because the one thing I can say that I KNOW FOR SURE in my clever, 30-ish years on earth is that I know absolutely NOTHING.

That’s right, nothing.

Im learning and growing everyday, especially from my mistakes. The only thing I can do is learn from my continual blunders and for goodness sakes, NEVER say,”I would never…”. Because, ultimately, I always will.

There is nothing/no one more repulsive to me than someone who knows everything. Someone who has all the answers and everything figured out. The person who tells you where to turn when they’re in your passenger seat and you’re like, “Dude. I’ve lived here all my life, I know how to get to Costco.”
You can’t talk to people like that. Literally. When you’re having a conversation with him/her, they aren’t even listening. They are formulating what they are going to say to you next. It’s very frustrating. Sadly, I’m sure I’ve had my own moments of being that person. I guess we all do.

The greatest surges of growth in my life have always been propelled out of a devastating blow or fall. Being humble immediately puts the people around you at ease and disarms you to actually have a meaningful discussion.
Being propelled by something humiliating to which the only response could be, ” okay, what can I learn from this?” is a blessing in disguise. May we be SMART enough to learn this and surrender to it. May we be quick to listen and slow to speak like the bible instructs. It’s a hard discipline to learn.

Gulping down a hard swallow of you-know-what will instantly put me in the posture of learning and applying what I’ve learned so that I don’t repeat the heartache…if that means I’m clever, so be it.

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” –
C.S. Lewis.

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