Waking Up

First sip of coffee in the morning. Heavenly. Hot. Cozy.
Sunshine in the windows.

Promise of a fresh start.

A great day to start my blog I think.

The world needs another blog right? Heck, I may even shave my legs today!

My mornings aren’t usually like this. The past few years of mornings have had only sprinkles of silver linings. I’ve come to realize that I was in fact probably very depressed and somehow found my way out of the cave I was hibernating in. I had my own in home daycare business for three years that kept me bound to my house and the walking distance around it from 7:30 am till 5:30 pm every day. While the children I was lucky enough to have to watch were adorable and wonderful…I realized that this line of work was not for me or my family. My hubs and two children (son,7 and daughter, 4) became ignored as time went on. I began to get bitter and stopped enjoying even being in my own home with my own kids. I lost my sanctuary and sometimes felt like my sanity as well.

Looking back now, I realize the season of the cave was also good. Dare I even say a blessing? It kept me from carrying on with my rubbish and forced me to really start taking some honest looks at my life, faith, marriage, friendships and goals( what were those?!). What WAS I doing? What was I supposed to be doing? Why was I trying to be this americana, white bread, flowered apron kind of mom? Because all GOOD Christian moms stay home and make soap while teaching their kids the genealogy of Jesus? Before lunch!?Some of my BEST friends are those kinds of moms. I stare at them in awe and GREAT respect. So much respect that I’ve tried to emulate and organize my way into being a super mama and wife. But as we all know, trying to be someone you are not only lasts awhile, especially in your own strength. My efforts were always fleeting. Eventually I began to give up. Clutter started to creep. Weight continued to gain. I quit even attempting to wear make up or do my hair. No one cares in the cave!

I am realizing now that I am a super wife and mama in my own way! Learning and even studying what it means to truly love myself as myself. Living a full life, practicing gratitude and starting to do things just for my own pleasure again has been like a big minty burst of fresh air in ALL of our lives in this house. We women really DO set the tone of our households. Thank God for giving me the push I needed to wake up and start to look around. To survey the damage and start to put myself back together. This blog is going to be my place to share. My field journal. Welcome aboard!

 

 

A Poem From the Cave

Draw the shades again.

I’ve been dismissed again.

Left to worry some more,

Misunderstood again.

To sleep, deeply as stone again.

Resisting tasks that pull at my gut again.

Heart heavy, shameful admissions,

Reluctant to try again.

Vividly dreaming of colors and songs and laughing again.

Of days of certainty with no script to memorize in defense…again and again!

At peace, at rest. No doubts.

Wake and rise again.