Fat chick attempting to kayak

Even after a life changing year, huge strides in my physical abilities and strength, 70 pounds lost (so far) and a new lease on life and fitness gained…I am still fat. 

Yep. Still fat. 

When I leave the comfortable bubble that is my home where my husband loves me and treats me like Beyonce, or my supportive and amazing gym where I am treated like a rock star, I still have to live in the real world where I am still obese and have 100 more pounds to lose. It can be jarring to feel my baby confidence that has just taken flight, crash to the ground where I have to find the will to try and build it up again. The old me never saw the point.  

My pesky social anxiety sneaks back in at times and starts to whisper in my ear…”You’re still the same. You don’t belong here. Who do you think you are?” 

 And the paranoia of wondering if the people at another table are snickering at me and my “bigness” trying desperately to melt into normalcy, praying no one will consider me a target for a good joke? 

Still happens. 

 I’m learning to not let these things be the TRUTH about who I am anymore. Strangers who don’t know me or all I’ve accomplished on my journey do not get to be the “sayers” of who I am.  

The tragedy is when I tear my confidence down MYSELF.  
WHY DO WE SO THIS TO OURSELVES? HOW CAN WE LEARN TO BE KIND TO OUR OWN SELF? 
This is the biggest lesson I’m trying to learn right now.  

Yesterday, I went on a kayaking trip with my gym friends. Having never participated in any “outdoorsy” type of adventure, I took a leap of faith and tried. I was scared to death and exhilarated all at the same time, praying the life jacket would buckle, (check)…praying I would be able to get in the kayak and not break it (check)…praying I wouldn’t slow everyone down and be a terrible nuisance (check, I hope). 
When I finally managed to get the hang of it and not fear wobbling and sinking to my death in the middle of the lake, I silently and privately rejoiced and thanked God. Here I was still 300ish pounds DOING THE DANG THANG. Such a cool feeling, to allow yourself to be proud of what you were able to overcome.

And then….THE PICTURES. 

FML if pictures aren’t gonna be the death of me and all of my efforts.  

How is it that seeing myself in pictures from this beautiful day almost ruined my entire night, and put me in such a funk that I actually had to step back and check myself? 

I was so disappointed that I didn’t look in those pictures the way that I FELT. 

And you know what? 

WHO CARES? 

I have an incredible life. God has given me a second chance at living by blessing me with the strength and dedication to change my life. I’ll get to where I need to be…in the meantime? How dare I have anything but gratitude for this body I have and/or its reflection? 

So here I am, in a kayak. 

  

#bingealert 

If you know me, you know I love, love, LOVE social media. I tend to over use it almost as much as I over use emoji. WordPress for blogging and Facebook and Instagram for everything else. Social media has been so much fun for an extrovert like me. It has acted as lifeline to the outside adult world a few years ago, when I was doing home daycare and stuck in my home with growing depression. It has helped me get to know and keep in touch with many cousins, friends and acquaintances that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I love that! 
On Instagram and WordPress, I have even bonded with and established genuine friendships with strangers that are on the same journey as me! I have put my heart out here and told the truth and allowed it to be up for public viewing (and scrutiny if need be) and have received nothing but love and encouragement.  

Being a writer type, I found it especially therapeutic to document and work through all the ups and downs of this endeavor through writing. The physical, mental, and spiritual ebb and flow of my my life, available to anyone who cared. I am honored that anyone would want to continue to read it because really, everyone has a story and point of view and mine in not remarkably different than anyone else’s. So, thank you! 

I have been able to celebrate many successes on my weight loss journey here, but there have also been dark days. In the name of staying honest and transparent, today is one of those days that calls for confession. 
I totally lost my mind and had an ugly food binge day today.
I hardly slept. I woke up grumpy.  
The first thing I did when I came downstairs was grab a handful of Hershey chocolate chips out of my freezer and shovel them in my mouth…it was all downhill from there.  
The more I grazed and ate, the worse I felt. 
 Guilty. Lazy. Gross.  
About an hour ago I decided to stop the madness and “feel the feelings” I was trying to ignore with eating all day. I really wanted to get to the root of what triggered me today (besides waking up on the wrong side of the bed!) and share it here.  
THIS is real life. 
I am a real woman, changing my life.  
This isn’t some filtered and cropped social media thread.  
This is real.  
That is the ugly side of social media.  

I’ve learned the right angle to take a picture and like to highlight all the good food choices I make and hard workouts completed. It feels good! It’s cool when you get followers or people “like” your photos.  To be able to show how my life is changing is amazing and I’m proud of myself.  

But it’s too easy to let it go to your head sometimes and WAY TO EASY to leave out the shameful, shoveling my face with food that I don’t need or really want moments.  
To hide feeling bad about myself and letting that be an excuse to eat like a jerk for a few more hours. Then, the temptation to be crazy and come up with ways to “overcompensate” my “bad” behavior.  
That, my friends, is dis-ordered eating.  
I’m here this afternoon to call myself out.  
Just because I have been blessed to enjoy some success on this journey doesn’t mean I’m “in the clear”. I have been fortunate to be able to grab ahold of my life this past year and have some progress to show for it, but by no means am I an expert. I’m not “fixed”. I am just a real person, struggling to be free of food addiction and gain a fit and healthy life.   
I want to enjoy food and not be afraid of it controlling me. I want to workout because I love my body and love how strong I am getting, not because I feel need to punish myself. 
I guess the whole reason I wanted to write this is because, on social media people can really make it look so easy to make theses changes. We all all put our best foot forward and show our best selves and it could be really easy not to post the unflattering pics and unwise choices.  
This will be my struggle for the rest of my life, but everyday I feel stronger and stronger and more able to share the good, bad and ugly.  If you are struggling with these kinds of issues, please don’t be afraid to reach out and talk to someone you trust! You don’t have to hide or punish yourself!  We are strong and capable of so much more than we know! 

So, now I’m gonna have lots of water, something crisp and fresh for dinner that I can feel good about, and maybe go for a walk.  
But, most importantly I am moving on.
    

  

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