Demolition Day

The purpose of everything I am doing right now is to cut through all the crap and get to what’s real. I had been a part of women’s groups and conversations and read books that have all left me wanting more.

This pursuit of a meaningful makeover has led me to be honest about where I am at spiritually, mentally and physically. The goal being that I just want to be ALL the me I was created to be and maybe inspire some along the way to do the same. I have been reading, writing, learning, sharing, talking. I have been interviewing, questioning, goal setting. I have been counseled and coached. In the past, I have done programs, weight watchers, shakes, ordered DVDs, made accountability plans with friends…all of which lasted for a few weeks and eventually ran out of steam.
I no longer have the luxury of running out of steam. I decided this time to really dig up all of the hard stuff first. Deal with the heart issues that I have that keep me literally weighed down. I even go to a 12 step recovery group at a church on Tuesday nights, specifically to deal with the addictive and behavioral aspect of my urges that lead me to binge eating.
I shared a couple of weeks ago in another post that I was given the imagery of having built a monument to a lifetime of pain with all this weight I carry around. It couldn’t be more true. We talked last night about anger and abuse in my recovery class and it came around again and hit my right between the eyes. The statement was made that people continue to carry their hurts around with them in their life because they just don’t believe that they are as astoundingly valuable as they really are. It evoked images in my head of people struggling and bustling to work holding coffee cups while wheeling suitcases and duffle bags around. Lugging backpacks and totes. Literal baggage hanging all over them as they pretend to ignore it and carry on with their day.

We ALL do this.

Some to greater lengths than others, but we all have our baggage. We all, at some point, fail to see the value in ourselves. The value of our lives woven with others. The value that God sees in us and created us with.

The time has come for me to go ahead and set the luggage down. Some of it not even mine, I’ve been carrying it around for others.
To begin demo on this monument. I have been living my life accommodating it. Living around it. Squeezing it into booths at restaurants hoping that no one will say anything. Hiding it under layers of clothes. Tucking it safety underneath the bluff of my composure. Laughing it away, swatting at it as if it were nothing more than a pesky fly.

This month begins the doing. I’ve done the digging, the sifting, the weeding and uprooting in my heart. Now it’s time to get busy, and stay busy.

Below is an email I received from a dear friend, as encouragement to tearing down my monument. I HAD to share it. I’m so grateful for every person God has removed from my life that was life taking, He has replaced with life giving.

“When I was reading your blog this morning the book of Nehemiah came to mind and
the whole thought process of how you are rebuilding your life. Not necessarily building
walls…but the walls of your life and self-esteem have been torn down over the years…
and God is wanting to build you up…from what seems to be the outside as well as
the inside.

Read chapter 4. Be encouraged my friend,
you are loved.”

The chapter is referring to opposition to the rebuilding of the temple for God. The Jews were being mocked and ridiculed and insulted as they built. But they prayed and kept building. Pushed past the difficulty. In realizing that the wall was still being built their enemies became angry and planned to attack them and kill them so they would be stopped. So the people of Judah kept praying and finally in verse 13: “Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows. 14 After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives, and homes.”

My friends email said, “In numerous portions of your blog you said you are doing this for you…but you also want to be a better example to your daughter and son…God is fighting for you and your family my friend!”

It continues in verse 15: “When our enemies heard that we were aware of their plot and that God had frustrated it, we all returned to the wall, each to our own work.
16 From that day on, half of my men did the work, while the other half were equipped with spears, shields, bows and armor.”

She concluded with,” If you will allow me…I want to be one in your life who stands in the gap for you and will cover with prayer and stand guard for you…doing battle while you work your Realology.”

Let the trumpets sound then!!! There will be opposition, but I know that victory is on its way!


Confessions of a Monday morning…

I am home now after a weekend with my family in California. We always have adventures and laughs and fights. I love spending time with all of my siblings and family. It’s fun for my hubs and I to sit back and let our kids get spoiled my the grandparents. It’s good family time. Much needed. The only downfall being we always stay up too late and eat too much.

That is why I find myself frustrated this Monday morning.

I am always playing games with myself, manipulating and excusing. Making allowances to eat this or that, or 6 of them. This doesn’t seem to be problematic for anyone else in my family, but for me it is. Give me one tiny reason, and I will use it to make a sandwich or stop for a burger. It’s pathetic. You would think that all this transparency would make me more disaplined.
I know what I shouldn’t, yet I do. The age old human debacle. I know the reasons behind why I’ve formed these habits, yet here I am. Struggling this morning against making the healthy choices I need to, and wanting to keep riding the crazy train of rubbish after a fun weekend. Mad at myself for so quickly turning on all of my momentum and motivation talk from last week. Inwardly urging myself to get my big ol ass up on that wagon again.

You always hear people say “moderation”.


You wouldn’t expect an alcoholic to drink moderately on a family weekend? You would expect abstinence. But how to you abstain from eating?
You can’t. I absolutely resonate with people working the 12 steps. Part of my pursuit of a meaningful makeover has been working the steps and weaving them into my life. I have a really great workbook that I’ve been digging through for a year and I recently began going to a recovery class at a local church that may or may not prove to be a boost of help in this department. We shall see if the theology and doctrine issues will welcome or repel me. Tune in to find out. Lol.

So I find myself again, surrendering my “out of control” to the ultimate source who is He, who holds all things in balance. Created me, and is leading me toward balance.

Finding that to “get real” this morning on this blog means to go ahead and show the good, bad and ugly.

Now I’m off to make a shake. Yay?

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