Pardon my rant

We’ve all seen the weight loss shows on tv where the no-nonsense trainer shows up in the life of a fat person who’s reached the point of desperation and promises to change their life.
I’ve often watched these shows for motivation but in all reality it ended up becoming more self deprecating than anything; watching pounds melt off of sweating people as I am eating bowls of ice cream or left over pizza.

Envy would ensue and I would make myself feel better by remembering that this was just TV magic. Real people cant realistically lose weight like this. If I could live on a ranch and do nothing but work out and cry with a trainer for 82 hours a day I might lose weight too.
But I still liked to watch. As jealous as I’d get, I still wanted to see what they all looked like after they lost the weight and got make overs.

It got to the point where I wouldn’t watch the show if my kids weren’t in bed because my son started to figure out what the show was about and he began to look back and forth from the tv, to me, making connections that I was not yet ready to face.

One thing I am sure of, I HATE the way people talk about their “old” selves after they’ve lost all the weight. Like the fat person they were was some disgusting costume they were being forced to wear.

“I won’t go back!” They cry. “I don’t even know who that pathetic person is.”

Wow.

If there is anything I can say for sure its that WHEN all of this is over and there is finally peace in my heart…and I lose all my weight…I will know EXACTLY who this person is.

Right now, this minute.

Each day that I choose to be real and seek true healing and wholeness I become more and more the ME I’m meant to be.

If I can’t love and appreciate the me that resides in this body right now, I wouldn’t deserve being blessed with a stronger, healthier one.

This body has endured a lot. It has been strong despite the choices I’ve made. It has carried me through business, chores, commitments, tough work and even child birth, giving me two healthy babies.

Disconnecting with who I am right now is what has kept me from being honest about where I want to be going. My life wont be valuable and worth living if I’m thinner!? It is valuable now. I’ll just get to enjoy it so much more!

Step by step, I know I’ll get there and I guarantee I won’t be ripping up old pictures of myself the way I am now. I will look at them with respect of the pain, sorrow and hopelessness that was captured in them. I will be proud that I didn’t allow myself to stay in it and surrender to it.

I will praise God for setting me free.

I pray this for myself but also for anyone else who is struggling with me…a slave to food…tormented by your body…whether you are trying to lose weight like me or desperately need to gain it from extreme restriction…may God give us the strength, faith and love to get us to where we are going.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. boredlandia
    Aug 21, 2013 @ 10:03:51

    Glad to see you got it off your chest – that’s half the battle!

    I watched Extreme Weight Loss last night and my husband and I both listened and watched as the woman shed the pounds. I thought she looked larger and when I put her weight against her height I realized that her transformation, rather large, had still considered her obese. She was still considered overly large even after the year long journey. Now, she was still a very improved her but it does show that even within the show there is no guarantee that you’ll be of the normal size doctors intended.

    Reply

  2. karenperrycreates
    Aug 21, 2013 @ 13:48:46

    I love this. Why do we try to separate ourselves into compartments as if we can put the “old me” on a shelf so it doesn’t exist? We need to have compassion for ourselves at every point in our lives to make ourselves whole.

    Reply

  3. Cindie Geddes
    Aug 21, 2013 @ 14:23:19

    Such a good post! If you can’t be happy with the insides, changing the outsides isn’t going to fix anything. I was once in the position of researching weight-loss surgery for a writing project and was surprised to learn about some of the problems people have after losing the weight, especially addiction. Without food to numb the pain (because their stomachs can’t handle the amount of food they are used to consuming), some turn to drugs or alcohol. Or after losing all the weight only to find they still have the same problems, the disappointment is nearly overwhelming after years of believing that everything would be better if they only lost weight. A good weight-loss surgeon will incorporate up to a year of counseling to address some of the interior issues to try to avoid this. It was really fascinating. And here you hit on the same thing — without med school and years of research! You’re one smart chickie!

    Reply

  4. MikesYf
    Aug 22, 2013 @ 11:49:36

    one thing I’d like to say about the pictures of you now is that you don’t “look” pained. I know, I know, I don’t see what is going on behind your eyes but still, I think you’ll be able to look back at these pics and be proud of the smile, there’s still happy you in there too! Like your current fb profile pic, great shot of you and your hubs!

    Reply

  5. naturerestoresme
    Aug 25, 2013 @ 04:46:12

    Beautifully said.

    Reply

  6. Molly Stewart
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 12:22:36

    Mands, I LOVE this! I am growing to believe that is it the people who look at their “olds” selves like strangers, who will gain it back. The old self must be regenerated, brought along on the journey and changed, not thrown off like a coat. I am learning that I have always viewed my body as an inconvenience … something that I probably learned from Evangelicalism, and something that has, no doubt had plenty of negative consequences. My body is a tremendous blessing, it is a “charge” I have been given to care for, and it has done amazing things…in spite of my years of neglect and loathing. And there is the thing that I have realized the most, my physical body KNOWS that my spiritual being loathes it…it knows. How can a house at war with itself stand? How can I expect to ever have the physical health and strength I want if my soul is constantly belittling the physical part of me?!?

    Reply

    • mandimon
      Jan 08, 2015 @ 12:39:46

      Yessssssssssssss yes yes! I have been learning to love this body, as it is, RIGHT NOW…not someday when its “worthy”. Its worthy of respect now, for how strong its had to be under distress, for bearing me two healthy babies, for so much more. You cant hate yourself into a positive place. I want to be a living monument to that for my daughter. πŸ’œ

      Reply

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