A few weeks ago…


The following is a journal entry I wrote almost three weeks ago right before leaving for camp. I had been really struggling since my “sober” living had crashed and burned.
I had no intention of sharing this on my blog publicly, but I’ve been healing and learning such good things that in order to share in some of my joy you’d have to appreciate the depth of the REAL (gotta keep it real over here!) depression I was digging myself into:

I see myself in the reflection of my friends sunglasses and my heart sinks because it reminds me that I am much much bigger in real life than I think I am in my head.

I really am THAT big?

The past few weeks have been the first time in my life I have felt different and actually fearful in public. People can be truly cruel and I am shocked sometimes by what people have the balls to say to my face. At least have the decency to laugh behind my back.
I am terrified of my upcoming camp and family reunion commitments but at this point I cant get out of either of them.

Timidness is an interesting feeling as an extrovert, not a feeling I have been accustomed to. It seems a new level of social anxiety has set in.
I feel paranoid constantly that someone’s cell phone is turning me into a fat person gif.

Gulping down (no pun intended) the harsh reality that the things I used to get away with as a “normal fat girl” (like squeezing into booths, behind steering wheels and movie theater seats) are becoming almost impossible as the obese (morbidly, technically) woman I have allowed myself to become. I am quickly running out of things I can get away with. It is so frustrating because each attempt at weight loss seems to only catapult me into a new level of miserable fat-ness. Gaining more weight and losing only hope.

Outings out with family are more and
more unpleasant because I know I am an embarrassment. We went strolling about for my sisters birthday a few days ago and I couldn’t wait to get back to the car.

That isn’t me!!

I grow more understanding of recluses who hide away in their homes with each jaunt out. I understand what motivates people to stow away inside dark rooms enjoying the relationships they’ve made with television characters because they are one sided and can’t look at you with condescending sympathy. People look, gawk and stare in real life. It’s much less awkward and painful just to stay home. My hubs thinks I’m paranoid…but he just doesn’t know the reality of the harassment I’ve encountered.
I’m glad he doesn’t.
It would be that much more shameful.

My bones are groaning for a change.

My time is running out before my
body starts to turn on me. The person I am on the inside is full of energy and life and doesn’t match this person I’ve become on the outside.

This isn’t me.

31 years old is too old to be tempting fate. My peeps need me.
My hearts desperate prayer is to put an end to this madness and be the version of me I am supposed to be.

So why do I continually find myself getting worse and worse?



6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. MikesYf
    Jul 29, 2013 @ 09:20:30

    I could have gone to a high school reunion of sorts yesterday, but nah, I’ll pass. This isn’t what I looked like in high school and I don’t care much for ppl having this image of me now. It’s not for lack of want, I WANT to lose weight! I just keep hearing, stand and keep standing… and seek ye first the kingdom of God. So, I’ll stand. Believing.


  2. Angela
    Jul 29, 2013 @ 10:39:52

    hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..oh girl..this was awesome good..getting healthy hurts…staying sick hurts more!~ love love love ‘meeting’ someone real and telling it like it is..(you know me..LOL)…I am thankful to God’s leading you to The Sacrificial Diet…..


  3. AnonCUZ
    Jul 30, 2013 @ 00:27:14

    Damn Mand, I have to admit that I teared up a bit while reading. I think your a surefire badass, and I love going out with you! I think that the shame you feel when your with people, thinking they are embarrassed is just your own embarrassment, because I think the people who find themselves around you feel privileged to be there, they savor every awesome laugh and joyous moment you give them. I think your just big enough to hold in all the joy and goodness, laughter and energy. Health is most definitely in the body, but to unlock the door to healing the body, you have to first heal the mind and unlock it. If you want we should go to a gym together (mostly to fuck around lol).


    • mandimon
      Jul 30, 2013 @ 05:59:36

      Awwwww thank you so so so much ❀ not trying to break hearts…just trying to keep it real. I'm hoping that in being honest about it will bring about healing…especially in my mind. Thank you for all the love πŸ™‚


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