The cold hard truth

Well I’ve been typing and deleting, back and fourth all morning. Unsatisfied with any of the blog post ideas I’ve been working on.
The truth is, as much as I search, I can’t seem to find any clever and insightful things to share with you today that feel right.

So, I’ll just go with raw honesty?
That always seems to work.

I’m not sure if it is because the novelty of my 30 day challenge has officially come to an end or what!? But the past two days have been EXTREMELY hard for me. As I write this, I am still technically “sober”. I have not strayed from my “in bounds” eating and am still practicing the lifestyle I adopted during my rehab. However, I feel like my addiction and the “panic” that comes with it
( I’ve shared about this feeling before, read about it here: The panic | Realology
https://mandimonblog.wordpress.com/2013/04/09/the-panic/ ) is starting to creep in. This gripping obsession with food, eating to soothe and the ugliness of this mind-prison is really NOW starting to show itself. Starting to goad me. Compelling me to give in. It scares me to death.

The adage of “one day at a time” has never been truer than it is for me now. I feel so much better, I know I don’t want to go back to the way I was feeling. I’ve lost about 20 pounds and while I know that is amazing, with SO much to lose, it barely seems to skim the surface. Still, it’s 20 pounds I DON’T want back on me.
So I will continue to turn this over to God, because I KNOW I don’t have to strength within me to resist my raging appetites that bid me to say, “f&$# this! I’m having a pizza!” just to relieve my mounting anxieties. It seems so stupid to be a slave to pizza and food, but it is so real.
I have to be kind and loving enough to myself right now to hold firm and stay this course. I deserve to be free and live the life God has for me.
It’s so much harder than you’d think, but the accountability of this blog truly helps.
Thanks ALL of you for your prayers and support.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. MikesYf
    May 09, 2013 @ 08:34:55

    that would be just like the enemy to attack you after you have had a victory. Remember, he doesn’t want you to succeed, he is trying his tricks to see how he can get at you. Stand Sister! You got this, he is a defeated foe, you are a child of the most high God!! Anyway, my prayers for you and this trial, count it all joy.

    Reply

  2. naturerestoresme
    May 09, 2013 @ 08:52:39

    I don’t know you very well, but I can say this, that you are very brave for putting your feelings out here in blogland. I have had some real trials in my life lately, and it has caused me to overeat. It feels like there’s a big hole in my heart and I have to fill it with something quickly or else risk feeling meaningless and sad. Talking about it is so important, to get out these feelings instead of to stuff them. And loving yourself is the only way to get through it. Just where you are right now. You are a child of God! Always.

    Reply

    • mandimon
      May 09, 2013 @ 09:01:26

      “I feel like there is a big hole in my heart and I have to fill it with something quickly or else risk feeling meaningless or sad”

      Wow. Yes. This is exactly it. It’s so crazy to me how it seems every woman, all of us, no matter our size, seem to attempt to nurture and soothe ourselves with food in this way.
      Thank you so much for your encouragement ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply

  3. T
    May 09, 2013 @ 10:18:37

    Don’t forget my friend: that hole will never feel full with food….it’s not what it needs! Do a little extra soul searching to figure out why these feelings are arising and address those issues. And/or…less thinking and more moving, wanna go for a walk or to the park?

    Reply

    • mandimon
      May 09, 2013 @ 10:46:38

      Actually feeling much better than I was this morning :))) but you’re right…getting to the roots causing the feelings is what seems to disarm the “panic”. Love you!

      Reply

  4. Dean Ashley
    May 09, 2013 @ 10:42:22

    Carry around 2 10-pound bags of flour for the day and you will appreciate the 20 pounds you’ve taken off. You’re doing…and are…great. Have Michael kiss your feet for me.

    Reply

  5. brittpinkie
    May 09, 2013 @ 16:22:20

    I know exactly how you feel, Mandi! I’ve been in the same situation since I’ve been here…I’ve been overeating so much, particularly when I first moved and was really depressed. But you’re a lot stronger than I am and I know you can keep battling this ๐Ÿ™‚ Stay strong and remember that even if your goal is a long way away, you’re still making progress. And when you’re at your goal weight, it won’t matter how long it took to get you there- it’ll only matter that you made it! Love you, girl! โค

    Reply

  6. Sandy S.
    May 10, 2013 @ 05:46:24

    Know that I am still praying for you! And keep reaching for those new goals…it is sooo hard. God loves you no matter what, and so do we!!

    Reply

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