The panic

At this very moment I am scattered. My phone is nowhere to be found, the iPad charger has been compromised. The computer upstairs is refusing to cooperate. I feel panic and nakedness. Okay, okay, first world problem I know. But as I make due typing this on the kids kindle I find myself thankful for first off, deciding to get that iPad. Secondly, grateful that panic and anxiety cannot consume me, though sometimes it’s so intense it feels like it can.

The best way I have been able to describe my food addiction reality to my husband and inquiring loved ones is by calling it “the panic”. The inner hurricane of panic that I feel compels me to engage in my behavior…the eating then becomes the drug that calms and soothes. The panicked feeling coming from this repeated tape in my head saying that I have to seize this opportunity to eat! I need to eat it now in case I never have it again, so I actually better eat a lot, just to be sure. The leftovers that call to me just because they are there. The second plate of food that is acceptable to consume, so consume I must. The secret drive through trips just because I’m a grown up and I can. Soothing and numbing my way up the scale and into total misery. Every social gathering as an excuse for a last horrah. Every “deal” on a meal too good to pass up. Excuses and compromises all day. Surrendering to the “panic”.

Day two of my in home rehab/boot camp has me asking myself the question, “what if I don’t surrender to the panic? What if for once in my life I just go ahead and feel whatever it is I’m trying so hard not to feel? What if I just go ahead and throw up my hands and surrender my control. I’m not managing everything as well as I’ve tricked myself into believing. So, just for today, I will wave my white flag and admit that I am scattered, naked, panicked and broken. I am confident that the God who is big enough to hold the universe together in intricate detail can handle it. I have faith that I will not be consumed but rather be filled with peace and strength. I am BELIEVING this today.
Seeing this all typed out and ready to send out to the world to read feels stupid because it’s so intimate and revealing but I know that there are many others who can relate in one way or another. Talking about the hard stuff takes the power out if it.

Now, I HAVE to go find my phone!

Advertisements

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Danielle
    Apr 09, 2013 @ 07:40:59

    Love you! Proud of you

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

๐Ÿ’ฅLOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!๐Ÿ’ฅWhile I'm not hitting this 100 percent of the time, this is what I'm striving for.  STAYING in my lane and doing what I'm supposed to do. Pressing ahead. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ’œThank you @_highoff_e for always having that IG game on point and giving me life!!! ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿผ #stayingthecourse #stayinginmylane #hatersgonnahate #naysayers #otherpeoplesopinionsarenoneofmybusiness #dodgingnegativitylikebullets #bdontkillmyvibe #goodvibesonly

Top Posts & Pages

Top Posts & Pages

>>New adventure<<

&andshelivedhappilyeverafter

ultimatemindsettoday

A great WordPress.com site

Lipstick and Laundry

Celebrating Imperfection One Pile at a Time

WRITE TO LIVE

A collection of words to spice your existence by KAYO LOGUN

Anthony Hymn

Thoughts, Feelings, and Rhythms.

Kelsey L. Munger

writer. storyteller.

STORYTELLING REVIVAL

ORAL STORYTELLING BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE!

Pew Theology

Faith | Life | Society

KURTโ˜…BRINDLEY

WRITERโ˜…EDITERโ˜…PRODUCERโ˜…CONSULTANT

Dana's Journey

Who you are today does not determine your tomorrow.

Operation Fat Removal

Lots of Kettlebell and a Whole Lot of Motivation

Laura's 180

Turning my life around, one day at a time.

Lifting My Spirits

A lifelong dream deferred no longer- transformation from fat chick to bodybuilder after age 50.

Elan Mudrow

The Ridges of Intertextuallity

%d bloggers like this: